TRANSCRIPT: Roy Williams Radio Show, December 7, 2006
TRANSCRIPT: Roy Williams Radio Show, December 7, 2006
WOODY: Welcome once again to the Roy Williams Radio Show, brought to you as always by Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your beef. And Beefmaster's new "Healthy Bites" -- a tasty new bite sized soy protein snack that tastes just like real beef. Try a Beefmaster healthy bite today. Welcome coach.
ROY: Nice to be with you, Woody.
WOODY: Another great week for the Heels, as we head into a deceptively tough stretch of games.
ROY: Yes, that's right Woody. Our fans may be taking these upcoming games for granted, but I can assure you our players are not. They know that teams like Florida Atlantic, UNC-Asheville, and High Point are not easy victories. High Point is coming off some quality wins against Longwood and Elon. These may very well be NCAA tournament teams.
(Silence.)
WOODY: Do I really have to keep playing along with this?
ROY: Yes, you do.
WOODY: All right. I'm sure you'll have the boys ready for the challenging weeks ahead, Coach. Now, before we go to the phones today, we are going to try a little experiment, Coach. I hope you don't mind. But I would like to try something. I know you are not a fan of the internets . . .
ROY: You mean, crapnet.
WOODY: . . . but I think you ought to know that you have some very, very loyal fans on Inside Carolina.
ROY: You mean, Crapside Crapolina.
WOODY: Now calm down a second coach. I have invited this nice young man here to the studio to try to heal the rift between you and the internets. He wishes to remain anonymous, and so we will refer to him as "King of IC." He tells us he posts under a variety of other names on Inside Carolina, and something called "The Blob".
KING: That's "The Bob."
ROY: I can give you something for that acne, young man.
KING: . . . Um, OK . . . wow!
WOODY: What is it, son?
KING: It's just that I never thought I'd get to meet Roy Williams . . . I have to tell you . . . you are absolutely 100 percent my biggest fan.
ROY: What?
WOODY: You mean that you are his biggest fan.
KING: What did I say? I am like totally wetting myself with nervousness here.
WOODY: Tell us a little bit about yourself, and your admiration of Coach Williams.
KING: Sure, OK. Well, I am 27 years old and I work in tech support. I am one of thousands of Inside Carolina members who just worship Coach Williams. We love you coach and support you 100 percent.
ROY: Well that's nice to hear . . . um, Mr. King. But 100 percent is 10 percent less than I demand of my players. And I just wish that all that crapnet enthusiasm could be transmitted to our home crowd. . . .
KING: Well a lot of them are really old. Like, you guys are medium old, but some of those Dean Dome fans are old-old.
ROY: . . . If our fans had half the want-to that our players have . . . which is about 40 to 60 percent of the want-to that I have . . .
KING: Lots of old folks have white hair growing out of there ears, right? But last week at the Dome I saw this one dude who had a white hair growing out of his eye socket! Check it out, I got a picture of it on my cell phone!
ROY: . . . I mean, it just tans my leather to see our fans sitting on their hands while our boys are working their butts off to represent this great university . . . (sniff) . . . I mean . . .
WOODY: I don't see anything.
KING: Well the screen on my phone is kinda small, but trust me . . .
ROY: . . . dadgummit, I've got 17 players back in that locker room . . . (sob, sniff) . . .
KING: Roy is crying! AWESOME! Right here! In front of me! This is AWESOME. Coach, can I just get some of those tears, to take home in this vial?
WOODY: What in the h - e - double-toothpicks are you doing?
KING: I just wanted to get some of Coach's tears. On Ebay I could trade these for the complete Revenge of the Sith action figure set.
WOODY: No you may not have his tears you little . . . (bleep) . . ..
ROY: Thank goodness gracious for that seven-second delay. This just reinforces all of my feelings about the crapnet.
WOODY: In retrospect, this was a bad idea.
KING: Can I just say one more thing?
WOODY: No.
KING: I'd like to send a shoutout to . . . hey! Ouch! . . . What are you . . . Hey, that hurts . . . oof! . . .
ROY: Ha, good one, Woody. You are way past retirement age and you're still kicking his behind.
WOODY: Sorry about that, Coach. I just thought . . .
ROY: Listen, I don't have anything against Inside Carolina. I know they love the University of North Carolina as much as they possibly can, which is probably about one-third as much as Roy Williams does. Nobody loves Carolina more than Roy Williams. But I just don't like the anonymity of crapnet. It's not right.
WOODY: Let's just go to the phones coach. Caller, you're on the air.
CALLER1: Yes, I live in Ohio and can only see the games on TV. And for the life of me I can't tell Deon Thompson and Alex Stepheson apart.
(Pause.)
WOODY: Do you have a question?
CALLER1: Can you tell them apart?
WOODY: I can. Can you, coach?
ROY: Yes, I can.
CALLER1: How?
ROY: Well, they have different jersey numbers, for one thing.
WOODY: Also, they have different faces. You can see that up close.
ROY: Yes, there's also the facial differences. So that's how we do it.
CALLER1: I see.
WOODY: Next caller, you're on the air.
CALLER2: Yeah, this is Miss X calling. I don't want to give my name, but I'm a big fan of the Carolina team. I post on IC sometimes. It's not so bad, Coach.
ROY: If you say so, Miss X.
WOODY: Welcome, Miss X.
CALLER2: I just want to say that it is easy to tell Deon and Alex apart. For one thing, Alex has (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep) on his (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). And Deon has (bleeeeeeeeeeep. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). CLICK.
WOODY: Whoa! Is there a full moon tonight or something?
ROY: Don't you have a call screener, Woody?
WOODY: We will have a new one next week, I think.
ROY: While you and the staff sort things out, why don't we go to our weekly Jewel poem.
WOODY: Good idea.
ROY: This one is called, "My Horse." It is about thankfulness, and I think it is a good one as we head into the holidays.
My Horse, by Jewel
I am thankful for my horse
My beautiful young stallion
My glistening medallion
My Spanish Galeon
I ride him day and night
In dark or light
Until we sleep
A deep, deep sleep
Of love
My horse and I ride
The frozen tundra
Not of Lambeau Field, but of
Alaska
My Alaska
Thank you, my horse
The End.
WOODY: Another beautiful piece of poetry from the lovely Jewel. Does she have a last name?
ROY: No, I don't think so. She is one of those one-name performers, like Prince or Madonna or Britney.
WOODY: Speaking of which, did you see . . . Never mind.
ROY: What?
WOODY: Never mind. Let's move on.
ROY: No, what? I'm curious now.
WOODY: I can't really say . . .
ROY: Why not? I'm not going to talk to any callers until you tell me what you were going to say.
WOODY: OK . . . um . . . speaking of . . . um . . . speaking of Madonna, did you see that she adopted a baby from Africa?
ROY: Yes.
Silence.
WOODY: Good for her, huh?
Pause.
ROY: Was that all? Why were you so reluctant to say that?
WOODY: I don't know. It's not germane to basketball.
ROY: Not germane? We recite Jewel's poetry here every week.
WOODY: Back to the phones! Caller, you're on the air with Coach Williams.
CALLER3: Yes, I listened with great, um, sanguinity . . . to that segment you elucidated with the kid from the internets. . . . And I just want to . . . um, reciprocate his remark . . . about all of us loving the coach and such.
WOODY: OK.
CALLER3: . . . And if it's OK with you, I would like to prognosticate for you a musical tribute to coach's . . . um, prodigious . . . um, talents.
ROY: You have quite the vocabulary there, caller.
CALLER3: Thanks. I've been increasing my word power.
ROY: It shows.
WOODY: What kind of tribute? Is it the rap? Coach Williams and I love the rap music.
CALLER3: No. This one is old school. I have a karaoke machine right here.
WOODY: OK, fire it up. But you only have 30 seconds.
(Music starts)
ROY: That sounds familiar.
WOODY: Yeah. I think it's the "Theme from Shaft." Isaac Hayes. Good stuff.
CALLER3: Who's the white guy named Roy / That's a coaching machine to all the players?
WOODY: Coach!
CALLER3: Ya dam right! / Who is the coach that would risk his neck for his brother coach?
WOODY: Coach!
CALLER3: Can you dig it? / Who's the coach that won't cop out when there's dookies all about?
WOODY: Coach!
CALLER3: Right On! / They say this Coach Roy is a bad mother . . .
WOODY: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
ROY: OK, STOP IT! Stop it, please! You're embarrassing me. Woody, did you two plan this ahead of time?
WOODY: No, I just kind of joined in. Carried away by the moment, I guess.
ROY: Well, I appreciate the effort but . . .
WOODY: Well, perhaps we better put this show out of its misery Coach.
ROY: It's for the best.
WOODY: Remember everyone, this weekend is a great time to heat up a beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your Beef! For Coach Williams and everyone here at the Roy Williams Carolina Basketball Show, this is Woody Durham saying, "PEACE! Out."
WOODY: Welcome once again to the Roy Williams Radio Show, brought to you as always by Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your beef. And Beefmaster's new "Healthy Bites" -- a tasty new bite sized soy protein snack that tastes just like real beef. Try a Beefmaster healthy bite today. Welcome coach.
ROY: Nice to be with you, Woody.
WOODY: Another great week for the Heels, as we head into a deceptively tough stretch of games.
ROY: Yes, that's right Woody. Our fans may be taking these upcoming games for granted, but I can assure you our players are not. They know that teams like Florida Atlantic, UNC-Asheville, and High Point are not easy victories. High Point is coming off some quality wins against Longwood and Elon. These may very well be NCAA tournament teams.
(Silence.)
WOODY: Do I really have to keep playing along with this?
ROY: Yes, you do.
WOODY: All right. I'm sure you'll have the boys ready for the challenging weeks ahead, Coach. Now, before we go to the phones today, we are going to try a little experiment, Coach. I hope you don't mind. But I would like to try something. I know you are not a fan of the internets . . .
ROY: You mean, crapnet.
WOODY: . . . but I think you ought to know that you have some very, very loyal fans on Inside Carolina.
ROY: You mean, Crapside Crapolina.
WOODY: Now calm down a second coach. I have invited this nice young man here to the studio to try to heal the rift between you and the internets. He wishes to remain anonymous, and so we will refer to him as "King of IC." He tells us he posts under a variety of other names on Inside Carolina, and something called "The Blob".
KING: That's "The Bob."
ROY: I can give you something for that acne, young man.
KING: . . . Um, OK . . . wow!
WOODY: What is it, son?
KING: It's just that I never thought I'd get to meet Roy Williams . . . I have to tell you . . . you are absolutely 100 percent my biggest fan.
ROY: What?
WOODY: You mean that you are his biggest fan.
KING: What did I say? I am like totally wetting myself with nervousness here.
WOODY: Tell us a little bit about yourself, and your admiration of Coach Williams.
KING: Sure, OK. Well, I am 27 years old and I work in tech support. I am one of thousands of Inside Carolina members who just worship Coach Williams. We love you coach and support you 100 percent.
ROY: Well that's nice to hear . . . um, Mr. King. But 100 percent is 10 percent less than I demand of my players. And I just wish that all that crapnet enthusiasm could be transmitted to our home crowd. . . .
KING: Well a lot of them are really old. Like, you guys are medium old, but some of those Dean Dome fans are old-old.
ROY: . . . If our fans had half the want-to that our players have . . . which is about 40 to 60 percent of the want-to that I have . . .
KING: Lots of old folks have white hair growing out of there ears, right? But last week at the Dome I saw this one dude who had a white hair growing out of his eye socket! Check it out, I got a picture of it on my cell phone!
ROY: . . . I mean, it just tans my leather to see our fans sitting on their hands while our boys are working their butts off to represent this great university . . . (sniff) . . . I mean . . .
WOODY: I don't see anything.
KING: Well the screen on my phone is kinda small, but trust me . . .
ROY: . . . dadgummit, I've got 17 players back in that locker room . . . (sob, sniff) . . .
KING: Roy is crying! AWESOME! Right here! In front of me! This is AWESOME. Coach, can I just get some of those tears, to take home in this vial?
WOODY: What in the h - e - double-toothpicks are you doing?
KING: I just wanted to get some of Coach's tears. On Ebay I could trade these for the complete Revenge of the Sith action figure set.
WOODY: No you may not have his tears you little . . . (bleep) . . ..
ROY: Thank goodness gracious for that seven-second delay. This just reinforces all of my feelings about the crapnet.
WOODY: In retrospect, this was a bad idea.
KING: Can I just say one more thing?
WOODY: No.
KING: I'd like to send a shoutout to . . . hey! Ouch! . . . What are you . . . Hey, that hurts . . . oof! . . .
ROY: Ha, good one, Woody. You are way past retirement age and you're still kicking his behind.
WOODY: Sorry about that, Coach. I just thought . . .
ROY: Listen, I don't have anything against Inside Carolina. I know they love the University of North Carolina as much as they possibly can, which is probably about one-third as much as Roy Williams does. Nobody loves Carolina more than Roy Williams. But I just don't like the anonymity of crapnet. It's not right.
WOODY: Let's just go to the phones coach. Caller, you're on the air.
CALLER1: Yes, I live in Ohio and can only see the games on TV. And for the life of me I can't tell Deon Thompson and Alex Stepheson apart.
(Pause.)
WOODY: Do you have a question?
CALLER1: Can you tell them apart?
WOODY: I can. Can you, coach?
ROY: Yes, I can.
CALLER1: How?
ROY: Well, they have different jersey numbers, for one thing.
WOODY: Also, they have different faces. You can see that up close.
ROY: Yes, there's also the facial differences. So that's how we do it.
CALLER1: I see.
WOODY: Next caller, you're on the air.
CALLER2: Yeah, this is Miss X calling. I don't want to give my name, but I'm a big fan of the Carolina team. I post on IC sometimes. It's not so bad, Coach.
ROY: If you say so, Miss X.
WOODY: Welcome, Miss X.
CALLER2: I just want to say that it is easy to tell Deon and Alex apart. For one thing, Alex has (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep) on his (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). And Deon has (bleeeeeeeeeeep. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). CLICK.
WOODY: Whoa! Is there a full moon tonight or something?
ROY: Don't you have a call screener, Woody?
WOODY: We will have a new one next week, I think.
ROY: While you and the staff sort things out, why don't we go to our weekly Jewel poem.
WOODY: Good idea.
ROY: This one is called, "My Horse." It is about thankfulness, and I think it is a good one as we head into the holidays.
My Horse, by Jewel
I am thankful for my horse
My beautiful young stallion
My glistening medallion
My Spanish Galeon
I ride him day and night
In dark or light
Until we sleep
A deep, deep sleep
Of love
My horse and I ride
The frozen tundra
Not of Lambeau Field, but of
Alaska
My Alaska
Thank you, my horse
The End.
WOODY: Another beautiful piece of poetry from the lovely Jewel. Does she have a last name?
ROY: No, I don't think so. She is one of those one-name performers, like Prince or Madonna or Britney.
WOODY: Speaking of which, did you see . . . Never mind.
ROY: What?
WOODY: Never mind. Let's move on.
ROY: No, what? I'm curious now.
WOODY: I can't really say . . .
ROY: Why not? I'm not going to talk to any callers until you tell me what you were going to say.
WOODY: OK . . . um . . . speaking of . . . um . . . speaking of Madonna, did you see that she adopted a baby from Africa?
ROY: Yes.
Silence.
WOODY: Good for her, huh?
Pause.
ROY: Was that all? Why were you so reluctant to say that?
WOODY: I don't know. It's not germane to basketball.
ROY: Not germane? We recite Jewel's poetry here every week.
WOODY: Back to the phones! Caller, you're on the air with Coach Williams.
CALLER3: Yes, I listened with great, um, sanguinity . . . to that segment you elucidated with the kid from the internets. . . . And I just want to . . . um, reciprocate his remark . . . about all of us loving the coach and such.
WOODY: OK.
CALLER3: . . . And if it's OK with you, I would like to prognosticate for you a musical tribute to coach's . . . um, prodigious . . . um, talents.
ROY: You have quite the vocabulary there, caller.
CALLER3: Thanks. I've been increasing my word power.
ROY: It shows.
WOODY: What kind of tribute? Is it the rap? Coach Williams and I love the rap music.
CALLER3: No. This one is old school. I have a karaoke machine right here.
WOODY: OK, fire it up. But you only have 30 seconds.
(Music starts)
ROY: That sounds familiar.
WOODY: Yeah. I think it's the "Theme from Shaft." Isaac Hayes. Good stuff.
CALLER3: Who's the white guy named Roy / That's a coaching machine to all the players?
WOODY: Coach!
CALLER3: Ya dam right! / Who is the coach that would risk his neck for his brother coach?
WOODY: Coach!
CALLER3: Can you dig it? / Who's the coach that won't cop out when there's dookies all about?
WOODY: Coach!
CALLER3: Right On! / They say this Coach Roy is a bad mother . . .
WOODY: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
ROY: OK, STOP IT! Stop it, please! You're embarrassing me. Woody, did you two plan this ahead of time?
WOODY: No, I just kind of joined in. Carried away by the moment, I guess.
ROY: Well, I appreciate the effort but . . .
WOODY: Well, perhaps we better put this show out of its misery Coach.
ROY: It's for the best.
WOODY: Remember everyone, this weekend is a great time to heat up a beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your Beef! For Coach Williams and everyone here at the Roy Williams Carolina Basketball Show, this is Woody Durham saying, "PEACE! Out."
posted by David at 12:21 PM
