ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, Preseason Edition

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, Preseason Edition

WOODY: Welcome to another season of the Carolina Basketball Show featuring Coach Roy Williams. Roy, it’s gonna be a fun year.

ROY: Well, it’s gonna be an interesting year, I’ll tell you that. We have some young dadgum players and it’s gonna be quite a dadgum chore – pardon my French – to get those dadgum youngsters to play Carolina basketball. I hope the fans are patient with us because Ole Roy ain’t that good.

WOODY: You should copyright that phrase.

ROY: Which one, “dadgum youngsters”?

WOODY: No. “Ole Roy ain’t that good.”

ROY: Well, I don’t know anything about copyrights and that sort of thing. But I do know that Ole Roy Ain’t That Good.

WOODY: No seriously. You could put that on t-shirts and make a buck or two. You should copyright it.

ROY: I already have.

WOODY: Good. Before we go to the phones, Coach, I’d like you to address a piece of news from the offseason. Kansas had to self-report several minor NCAA violations that dated from your time there. Can you say a word about that?

ROY: I sure can Woody. Let me start by saying that nobody cares more about NCAA rules than Roy Williams. I sleep with a copy of the NCAA rulebook under my pillow. I love those rules more than anything. I’m proud to say that my teams have never had a major NCAA rules violation, and never will if I have anything to say about it. At the same time, NOBODY cares more about Kansas or Kansas basketball than Roy Williams. Heck, I probably care more about Kansas than I do my own wife. And I love Wanda to bits. So I don’t mind saying it killed me – LITERALLY killed me – to read the headlines from a few months ago. The papers made us look like common criminals, and that’s just not right. That’s not fair. We have nothing to hide. Roy Williams has nothing to hide. These were minor mistakes by the Kansas compliance office. I relied on other people who messed up and I take full responsibility for that. Believe me, Roy Williams has nothing to hide.

WOODY: So what exactly were the allegations that …

ROY: Let’s move on.

WOODY: But …

ROY: Woody, we just won the National Championship. Let’s move on.

WOODY: All right, point taken. Let’s go to the phones. Caller, you’re on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: Yes, Coach, this is Buck from Cary. Can you say a word or two about Tyler Hansborough?

ROY: Tyler has progressed really nicely for us so far. This young man works harder than many of the older youngsters. …

WOODY: Can you say that – “older youngsters”? Is that grammatically correct?

ROY: Don’t interrupt me Woody. … As I was saying … so, there’s been a story circulating around the crapnet that Tyler dunked on Jerry Stackhouse in a pickup game. And you know what? This one happens to be true. He scored the winning basket right in Jerry’s face, screamed “weight room!” then walked off the floor. How impressive is that? And he only suffered one broken finger and a slightly scratched cornea in the altercation that followed.

WOODY: Next caller, are you there?

CALLER: Actually, I have a question for Woody. Woody, will Beefmaster be sponsoring the show again this year?

WOODY: Yessiree. The good folks at Beefmaster are once again our sponsors this year.

CALLER: Good, because I have an idea for an ad slogan for them. “Fellas, slip your wife the beefmaster. She’ll …” CLICK.

WOODY: Damn fraternities. Next caller?

CALLER: Coach, I hear you’re very competitive about your golf game. Is that true?

ROY: Not really. I like to win. And I like to play fair. Just last week Coach Smith and I were playing for $200 a hole, and he tried to take a mulligan. That was against the rules, so I said, “Coach. No mulligans, remember?”

And he said, “Well, you keep sneezing on my backswing. That last time you even got some on me.”

So I said, “Hey wait a minute. That was accidental. I have hay fever.”

And he said -- I swear this is true, my hand to God -- he said, “Hay fever my posterior.”

Which is kind of shocking because he never uses off-color language. But he's kind of picky about sneezing; he almost never sneezes out loud because he doesn't like to draw attention to the size of his nose. So anyway he proceeds to take his mulligan. Now normally I’m very deferential to Coach Smith. But I looked down at my Championship Ring, and decided that I’m going to take a mulligan too. But after I hit my mulligan he got in his cart, and he got to my ball first, and picked it up and threw it in the woods. So I drove my cart right over his golf bag, and it was a pretty expensive one that Larry Brown had given him. Larry is always sucking up to Coach by giving him expensive gifts. Anyway, after that I realized I had made a mistake. So we both took a deep breath and decided to settle the argument less violently, with a game of thumbsies.

WOODY: Who won?

ROY: He did. He’s not that big a guy, but his thumbs are HUGE. Still, I’m no thumbsies slouch. I gave him a good run for his money. Everything I know about thumbsies I learned from Coach Smith.

WOODY: Quite a story. People often ask what Coach Smith is doing these days, so it’s nice to hear he’s staying active. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, Dook is going to be tough this year. Can we beat them?

ROY: I could give a s**t about Dook right now. I’ve got 12 guys back there in the dorm who wear Carolina across their chest, and who are studying their hearts out right now with their Playstations and such. And you’re asking me about Dook? I’m worried about our kids, not what those folks are doing down the road. Sure, they’ve got a lot of talent. Sure they are favored to win it all. Just like we were last year. Only time will tell if they will accomplish their goals. Life is funny. You never know what will happen. Perhaps Coach K will hurt his back or something.

WOODY: oooOOOOooo …

ROY: What?

WOODY: ooooOOOOooo …

ROY: Stop that.

WOODY: Make me.

ROY: What?

WOODY: What?

ROY: Stop copying me.

WOODY: I’m trying to start a fight with you so you’ll challenge me to thumbsies.

ROY: Believe me, you don't want a game of thumbsies with me. I will take you down. Isn’t there another caller?

WOODY: Right after this word from Beefmaster.

(Commercial break)

ROY: You know Woody. I grilled some beefmasters last night with Wanda.

WOODY: Is that some sort of code, or slang?

ROY: No, I really did. We put a little mustard on them, and Wanda made a nice cole slaw. It was yummy.

WOODY: Caller, you’re on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: Hi Coach. Last year, you shared with us your passion for the poetry of the lovely songstress, Jewel. …

WOODY: Yes!

CALLER: … And I was wondering if you have any other Jewel poems that are your current favorites.

WOODY: She rocks my world.

(Silence.)

WOODY: Did I say that out loud?

ROY: Yes you did. Caller, I’m a student of geography and the great American landscape, so one of my favorites is a poem of hers about her home state, entitled “Denali.” It goes like this.

I am Denali

The jutting chest of

Alaska’s pride and joy

I yearn for you to visit me

I am Denali

Climb me

Explore my ridges and valleys

Approach my Yukon

I await your conquest

CALLER: THAT’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.

WOODY: Oh my god.

ROY: What? Don’t you like it?

WOODY: Is that really about geography?

ROY: What? Of course. Why ….

WOODY: We better take another call. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, how did the Bahamas trip help the team?

ROY: Well, it was nice to get a head start on the season. And I think the players got a lot out of the trip. It wasn’t all basketball you know. I made them listen to Jimmy Buffet music on the flight down.

WOODY: Margaritaville? I love that song.

ROY: No, that song is about alcohol abuse. I disapprove of that song.

WOODY: Oh.

ROY: No, we listened to “Son of Son of Sailor.” And the guys seemed to like it. But I was a little disappointed in our competition down there. One of the teams didn’t even have proper uniforms. It’s tough to get yourself mentally prepared to play a team that is dressed like the Little Rascals.

WOODY: It certainly is. Time for one more call.

CALLER: Hello?

WOODY: Yes, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Yeah, this is James from Wilson. My boy Reyshawn is gonna be sick this year. I mean, SICK! He is gonna blow up all over the ACC. Coach, can you just preach to the folks one time about ReyRey?

(Silence.)

ROY: Um … could you repeat the question?

WOODY: He’s gone already.

ROY: Did you get the question?

WOODY: No I did not.

(Silence.)

WOODY: But my best guess is that the caller is concerned about Reyshawn Terry’s health and is seeking reassurance.

ROY: Oh. OK. Well, I can tell you that Reyshawn is healthy. He is not sick, as far as I know. … Now what was that question about “preaching”?

WOODY: Papa don’t preach.

ROY: What?

WOODY: The only boy who could ever reach me, was the son of preacher man.

ROY: Bobby Gentry.

WOODY: Right you are. Well, this show is going out with more a whimper than a bang. Join us next time for the Roy Williams Radio Show, here on the North Carolina Tar Heels Network. This is Woody Durham, for Roy Williams, saying, “Peace OUT!”

ROY: Are you OK.

WOODY: Sure.

ROY: Peace out?

WOODY: Sure.

ROY: Jeepers.