Transcript, October 19, 2005

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, TRANSCRIPT, October 19, 2005

WOODY: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another edition of the Roy Williams Radio Show, with Coach Roy Williams of the North Carolina Tar Heels, and your host, me, Woody Durham. As always, our show is brought to you today by the good people at Beefmaster Franks. Beefmaster: Master your beef.

ROY: Nobody loves Beefmaster more than Roy Williams, Woody. I love 'em!

WOODY: Y yo tambien, Coach.

ROY: What?

WOODY: Coach, the start of the season is right around the corner. How is the team looking to you right now?

ROY: Well, we still have some work to do. We lost our top 7 players. Our top seven. That’s our first best player, plus our second best player, plus our third best player, plus our fourth best player, plus …

WOODY: The top 7.

ROY: Right. That’s a lot.

WOODY: That’s seven.

ROY: Right.

(Silence.)

WOODY: Are you finished with that subject?

ROY: No, your interruption made me lose my train of thought. … Oh … right … So since we lost so much experience and talent, untested players will have to step up and fill the void left by … The Magnificent Seven.

WOODY: Ooo, I like that. “The Magnificent Seven.” That’s good.

ROY: Thanks, I made that one up. I just want all the fans and writers and critics and other coaches and sportswriters and critics to remember how much talent this team lost.

WOODY: So calling those guys who left “The Magnificent Seven” should help them remember.

ROY: Yes, that was my intent. It’s sort of a pneumatic device.

WOODY: You mean “mnemonic device.”

ROY: Are you sure? I thought it was “pneumatic.”

WOODY: No, I think it’s “mnemonic.”

ROY: Well, I’m just a simple country boy, so I’ll defer to you, Woody. With Roy Williams, what you see is what you get. Nobody loves neutronic devices more than Roy Williams. And I’ll admit that I got that one wrong, Woody. Well done.

WOODY: Thanks.

ROY: So tell me, when does your contract for this show expire?

WOODY: The important thing is that folks remember how much talent the Heels lost coming into this year, what with the departure of The Magnificent Seven and all.

ROY: Right. I’m only human. O-R-A-T-G.

WOODY: What?

ROY: O-R-A-T-G. “Old Roy Ain’t That Good.”

WOODY: Oh, right. Good one. O-R-A-T-G. ... Let’s go to the phones, shall we? Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Hey yo, this is Big Tooley from Beaufort.

ROY: Hello Mr. Tooley.

CALLER: Actually, Tooley is not my last name. It’s sort of a nickname. Anywho, I was wondering if the Heels are gonna play any games down in Wilmington this year. I’d love to see my Heels this year! WOO-HOO! Yeah!

WOODY: A true die hard fan.

ROY: Big Tootie, nobody loves Wilmington more than Roy Williams. But let me ask you a question. How long of a drive is it from Wilmington to Chapel Hill?

CALLER: Well for most people, about three hours. But in my TransAm it takes me two hours, tops.

ROY: So you think two hours is too far to drive to see the Heels?

CALLER: … um … well …

ROY: Were you at Late Night with Me?

CALLER: No.

ROY: Dadgummit. In Kansas it was not uncommon for our freckle-faced fans of the heartland to ride for four hours on the dadgum open back end of a hay bailer or manure truck from all parts of Kansas at dadgum 12 miles per hour through the frozen Kansas night. Half the time the Allen Fieldhouse reeked of manure, but that only made the homecourt advantage stronger. Many an intrepid Kansan has died in trying to reach Lawrence for a game, and they were happy to do so to support their Jayhawks, dadgummit. ... Tootie, I once met an elderly woman, Mabel Sue Frick, who spent 16 hours hitching a ride from Sublette, Kansas to Lawrence to see her beloved team play. She had asthma, and shortly after the game she developed pneumonia, because the only car that would pick her up was full of pot smokers. She died three days later, but not from pneumonia. She died from dehydration after eating six large popcorns at the game. So don’t tell me that marijuana doesn’t kill. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. ... Anyway, from her hospital bed, her last words were … I kid you not … (sniff) … her last words were the 8th verse of the Kansas fight song. … Can you believe it? … (choking noises) … So Tweetie, if you and the General Lee are too drunk, lazy or inbred to manage a two hour drive to Chapel Hill, then I don’t know what to say.

(Silence.)

CALLER: I feel so ashamed.

WOODY: You should. … I am embarrassed to even be on the phone with you. … You should hang up.

CALLER: One question first. What’s the Smith Center?

WOODY: I think Coach means the Dean Dome, Big Tootsie.

ROY: Yes, the Dean Dome. When I was at Kansas, the Allen Fieldhouse was full for every game.

WOODY: But Allen only seats 12,000. The Dean Dome seats 20,000. And Kansas City is only 40 minutes away.

ROY: Excuse me, Woody, but Kansas City is hundreds or even thousands of miles from the Smith Center. So you see, you don’t know everything, Mr. Smartypants-neutronic-device. The point is we need dedicated fans.

WOODY: Point taken. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Yes … hello? … This is RayRayRayRay from Wilson?

WOODY: Go ahead RayRayRayRayRay. You’re on the air.

CALLER: No, it’s only four “Rays”. Coach, I just want to say what a great job you’re doing recruiting players to play for the Heels. I know that during your last show you screamed at a caller for asking about recruiting, so I’m not going to do that …

ROY: Listen. Nobody loves recruits or recruiting more than Roy Williams. I just want our fans to support the youngsters we have now. Did you know that the Smith Center wasn’t even full for Late Night with Me? We should sell out the place every night. Nobody loves a sellout more than Roy Williams.

CALLER: So anyway, my father and I own a big used car dealership here in Wilson. Well actually, my father owns it, but I will own it some day. It’s called “RayRayRay’s Motors.” Anyway …

WOODY: I thought you said there were four “Rays.”

CALLER: I’m RayRayRayRay. My dad is “RayRayRay.”

WOODY: Hmmm …

CALLER: So anyway, through our Ram’s Club connections we get to hear all the inside scoop on recruiting and we generally know anywhere from 5-100 days ahead of time when a recruit is going to commit. Which is great, by the way. The Ram’s Club is money well spent. As they say, “information is power.”

WOODY: Who says that?

CALLER: Well, Warren Buffett for one. And David Blaine. And I think, the Dali Lama.

WOODY: And Uri Geller.

CALLER: Who?

WOODY: The spoon bender! I wish I could bend stuff with my mind. That would be cool.

ROY: What is wrong with you tonight?

WOODY: I’m trying to be more like Regis. I think the show needs more give and take. More light chit-chat. More Regis-type banter.

ROY: (Sigh) … Ray … Ray …Ray …whatever … nobody knows anything about Carolina recruiting except Roy Williams. Others may think they know, but they don’t. Certainly not Jerry Keller.

CALLER: What about the players you’re recruiting? Aren’t they the first to know where they are going to go?

ROY: Not always. Sometimes I can tell what they are going to do even before they know. And when that happens, I don’t tell them that I know, because that would be unfair to them. But believe me, it’s not uncommon for me to know what they’ll do long before they know. Call it a “sick sense,” if you will.

WOODY: You mean “sixth sense.”

ROY: No, “Sixth Sense” is a movie starring Bruce Willis and Donny Jo Osmond. I’m talking about something else.

WOODY: But there are five senses: taste, touch, smell, sight and hearing. Coach, your recruiting clairvoyance would be your sixth sense.

ROY: I could give a crap about Donny Osmond right now! I’ve got 12 players back in the dorm and not a single one of them has extra-sensory perception, and yet I still love them and support them as if they were my own family! Nobody loves those guys more than Roy Williams.

CALLER: Woody, if Roy knows where a recruit is going before the recruit does, that is SICK with a capital “S”.

ROY: See Woody? You stand corrected.

WOODY: All righty then. Next caller, you’re on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: Yeah, this is Bob from Boone.

WOODY: Bah-BOONE! What’s your sign?

CALLER: What?

WOODY: Your sign. Your zodiac sign. What is it?

CALLER: Uh … Scorpio?

WOODY: Go ahead with your question, Scorpio.

CALLER: My question is this. I know we’re not supposed to talk about recruits and stuff, but we are so gonna kick Dook’s butts next year it’s not even funny.

WOODY: That’s not really a question.

ROY: What is this obsession with recruiting and beating Dook? It may come as a surprise to you, but we don’t worry any more about the Dook game than any other.

WOODY: Get out!

ROY: No, it’s true. The Dook game doesn’t count any more or less in the win-loss record than any other game. Sure, it’s nice to beat your arch rival. And recruiting victories are nice too. Believe me, I know what losing can do to one’s back. But beating Dook is something that the fans care more about than I do.

WOODY: Do you believe that caller? I’m dubious.

CALLER: I BELIEVE!

WOODY: Hallelujah! If you believe, then I believe. ... Now it’s time for a word from our good friends at Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Try our new beefmaster pops! A cool, refreshing source of protein.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WOODY: We’re back, Coach. How about a poem?

ROY: You mean a Jewel poem?

WOODY: YEAH BABY!

ROY: Well I’ve learned that some listeners don’t care for the Jewel poems. Some say they’re too sexy …

WOODY: HUZZAH!

ROY: … and others say we shouldn’t recite them because she was Trajan Langdon’s lab partner in junior high.

WOODY: What do they know. She’s SIZZLIN’.

ROY: So tonight I’ve chosen one that is a little more mainstream, I think. And it is appropriate, with the season right around the corner. It’s called “Conquest.”

CONQUEST, by Jewel

Conquest
Con.
Quest.
Is this journey a deception?
Will you reach your reception?
Or is this a con – quest?
Climb the mountains
Ford the stream
Till the valley of your dreams
Your conquest will be complete.
Trust me.
Trajan.

WOODY: The lovely and curvaceous Jewel, ladies and gentlemen. What a wordsmith.

ROY: Yes, she never fails to disappoint, does she Woody?

WOODY: No, she does not. Let’s take one more call.

CALLER: Yes, this is … um … John … from Chapel Hill. I’d like Coach Williams to talk a little bit about what the walk-ons mean to the team.

ROY: Be happy to. Good question.

WOODY: This caller kinda sounds like Coach Smith, doesn’t he?

ROY: Uh … I’m not sure.

CALLER: Woody, I think the people want hear about what great young men these walk-ons are.

WOODY: I doubt that. But boy, you sure sound a whole bunch like Coach Smith.

CALLER: “A whole bunch like …” is grammatically incorrect, Woody.

WOODY: It is you, Coach! How are things going …(CLICK) Caller? … Caller? Oh, he’s gone.

ROY: Let me just say a word about our walk-ons, who mean so very much to the success of the team. Nobody loves walk-ons more than Roy Williams. I myself was a walk-on at Carolina, so great things can happen to walk-ons. Walk-ons are the backbone of the team. …

WOODY (singing): Hey, kids, rock and roll. Walk on. Ooo my soul.

ROY: Excuse me, Woody?

WOODY: What? Did I sing that out loud?

ROY: Yes.

WOODY: Sorry.

ROY: Anyway, as I was saying. When I was a walk-on here at Carolina, I remember I didn’t have much money. And my walk-on friends and I would go up to Suttons where they sold sodas and such …

WOODY: Sorry Coach, that’s all the time we have. Join us next time on the Tar Heel Sports Network. Until then, this is Woody Durham, saying “courage.”

(Cue music.)

ROY: Is that your new sign-off?

WOODY: Yeah, do you like it?

ROY: No. Not really. You borrowed it from Dan Rather.

WOODY: True ‘dat.

ROY: Jiminy crickets.

Transcript, October 10, 2005

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, OCT. 10, TRANSCRIPT:

WOODY: Welcome to the Roy Williams Radio Show, our second of the season. Brought to you once again by the good folks at Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your beef. And by Food Lion. At Food Lion, we do whatever it takes to give you the lowest prices around. Coach Williams, welcome.

ROY: Thanks Woody. Dadgummit, I’m ready for the season to start.

WOODY: Yes, Late Night with Roy is just around the corner. Last year you and the team put on quite a show. Any dance routines planned for this year?

ROY: Well, we have some special plans. But I’m not gonna spill the beans.

WOODY: Rumor has it that Reyshawn Terry can do back handsprings. Will that figure into the show?

ROY: He can?

WOODY: That’s what I hear.

ROY: I did not know that.

WOODY: I also hear Wes Miller can do a killer impression of you.

ROY: That I knew. And it has already cost him some playing time. No one gets to cuss except me, and no one gets to do me except me.

WOODY: That didn’t sound right. You mean, no one gets to do an impression of you except you.

ROY: Well if I’m doing it, it wouldn’t be an impression, then, would it? It’d be the real thing.

WOODY: Yeah, I guess that’s right. But you said “do me.” And the kids today use that expression differently.

ROY: Dadummit Woody, half the time I have no idea what you are talking about. Let’s take some calls.

WOODY: OK, caller are you there?

CALLER: Yeah … am I on? …

WOODY: You’re on the air with Coach Roy Williams.

CALLER: … awesome … Jayhawks rule! … Vishal, I’m in the TV! … Traitor Roy! …. (CLICK)

WOODY: Well, that was unfortunate.

ROY: Yes it was.

WOODY: Probably raised in a creationist environment.

ROY: Nobody loves Kansas basketball more than Roy Williams. I just regret that my leaving Lawrence upset so many of the good people of Kansas.

WOODY: Apparently it also upset some other Kansans as well. Next caller?

CALLER: Yes, Coach, I wonder if you could talk about the great recruiting class you have assembled from this year’s high school senior class?

ROY: The people on crapnet seem to focus a lot on recruiting. Sometimes it seems they get more excited about the youngsters who aren’t here yet than the fine youngsters we have now.

WOODY: Well Coach, it is an awfully impressive group, what with Lawson and Ellington and ….

ROY: I could give a crap about Lawson and Ellington right now! I’ve got 12 guys back there in the dorm who would give their left ... um ... their blood, sweat and tears for Carolina basketball right now! They are out there every day, busting their behinds to give these fans the team they want and deserve. How about a little appreciation for them?

CALLER: Are you asking me?

WOODY: I think it was a rhetorical question.

ROY: I’m sorry, I just get so dang-burned frustrated with the fans sometimes. I am seriously thinking of going the cheer sheet route the way Coach K does.

WOODY: Ewww.

CALLER: Coach, I was wrong to compliment you about the recruits. I wish only to be led by you.

WOODY: That’s better. How about a commercial break.

Winter is just around the corner, so there’s no time like the present to fire up the grill and enjoy a plump and juicy beefmaster frank. Whether it’s a picnic at the park, entertaining guests on the back deck, or just another lonely evening in your bleak and barren apartment, it’s always time for a beefmaster.

WOODY: Next caller, are you there?

CALLER: Coach, I wonder if you would favor us with another selection from the poetry of the lovely and buxom songstress, Jewel?

ROY: Love to.

WOODY: YEAH!

ROY: Lately I’ve asking the team to read some of her poems about overcoming adversity. They contain some life lessons for us all. Like this one, entitled “The Me-ness of Me.”

The me-ness of me is excruciating
Yet I persevere
Must my teeth be straight? NO!
Must my hair be styled the Nashville way? NO!
But that doesn’t matter because
I am me.
As you are he.
As you are we.
And we are all together.
Goo-goo-ca-choob.

WOODY: A tiny bit of plagiarism there.

ROY: What do you mean?

WOODY: Well that last bit was lifted from a Beatles song.

ROY: I don’t think so.

WOODY: Yeah, it’s from “I Am the Walrus”.

ROY: You are feisty today, Woody. But I doubt she copied that from the Beatles. Why would someone put those nonsense syllables in a song?

WOODY: You’ll have to ask John Lennon that.

ROY: All right I will.

WOODY: I didn’t mean that you should actually …

ROY: In any case, the lesson from Jewel’s poem is clear. We should all be ourselves and do the best with what we have.

WOODY: So true. She has a special kind of wisdom.

ROY: And wisdom teeth.

WOODY: She makes me feel all tingly inside.

ROY: OK, but back to my point. I know that when I was a kid I used go with my friends to the store there in Asheville. And they had one of those coolers there, for sodas and such ….

WOODY: Caller, are you there?

CALLER: Woody, this is Mike Shushefski. I just wanted to call in to congratulate Coach Williams on his team’s special performance last spring. It is a special feeling. Believe me, I know. Three times.

WOODY: Coach, you mean you haven’t congratulated Coach Williams until now?

K: Well … um … sure, I sent him a congratulatory telegram. But I wanted to say it again… you know … in the media. It’s important for the people to see us being magnanimous.

ROY: Thanks Coach.

WOODY: Coach K, while we have you here on the line, let me ask you about this year. You’ve got a talented squad. How are you planning on coaching them, from an X and O perspective I mean.

K: Well, first of all, I don’t coach. I lead. You should know that Woody. And second, I don’t really believe in Xs and Os. I believe in leading players into competition and letting them compete.

ROY: So you’ll be funneling everything through J.J. again this year?

K: Yes.

WOODY: How many touches does he get a game, Coach, 50?

ROY: At least 60.

K: How the should I know. Listen, J.J. is a great competitor and a great poet.

WOODY: I’ve seen his poetry Coach. I wouldn’t call it great.

ROY: Or good.

WOODY: It’s certainly not the caliber of a Sandburg or a Jewel.

K: I didn’t call in to have you two bumpkins critique my players’ poetry. Now if there’s nothing else, I’ll …

WOODY: We’re sorry Coach. Just funnin’ with ya a bit.

ROY: Mike, perhaps you could tell the fans out there about how your military training has affected your coaching …

K: Leadership.

ROY: …. I mean, your leadership of basketball players, coaching-wise.

K: Leadership-wise, you mean?

ROY: Yes. Leadership-wise-speaking.

K: Well, basketball is war, basically. No one dies, but other than that they are the same thing. When I recruit a youngster, I ask myself, would I want this youngster in a foxhole with me if we were going into battle?

WOODY: Don’t you actually have to leave the foxhole to go into battle?

K: OK, technically, yes. But you get the picture. If the kid is that kind of warrior, I want him playing Dook basketball.

WOODY: So do you ever physically abuse your players like Bob Knight?

K: I resent that question.

WOODY: I mean, do you employ corporal punishment as a teaching tool?

K: As a leadership tool, you mean?

WOODY: Whatever.

K: No.

WOODY: Never?

K: Never.

WOODY: C’mon coach. You said yourself it’s war. You never went a little Neil Reed on anyone?

K: What do you want me to say Woody?

WOODY: I want the truth. I think we’re entitled to it.

K: You can't handle the truth! Woody, we live in a world that has gymnasium walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with thumbprint scanners. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Woody? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Neil Reed and you curse the Dook Blew Devils. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Reid’s choking, while tragic, probably won games. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins games...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me behind that thumbprint scanner. We use words like relationships, fist, heart...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very basketball success I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a basketball and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a @#%$ what you think you're entitled to!

(Long silence.)

WOODY: OK then, um, thanks for calling in Coach Shush …

ROY: Wow.

K: Did I say all that out loud?

WOODY: …shefski of the Dook Blew Devils. That’s about all the time …

ROY: Yes you did.

WOODY: … we have for today. Join us next week when …

K: Are we on a seven-second delay or anything?

WOODY: … our special guest will be the big guy, Eric Montross …

ROY: No we are not.

WOODY: … who will tell us about his new position as a color announcer on …

K: (bleep!)

WOODY: … the Tar Heel Sports Network. Good night everybody!