TRANSCRIPT: Roy Williams Radio Show, December 7, 2006

TRANSCRIPT: Roy Williams Radio Show, December 7, 2006

WOODY: Welcome once again to the Roy Williams Radio Show, brought to you as always by Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your beef. And Beefmaster's new "Healthy Bites" -- a tasty new bite sized soy protein snack that tastes just like real beef. Try a Beefmaster healthy bite today. Welcome coach.

ROY: Nice to be with you, Woody.

WOODY: Another great week for the Heels, as we head into a deceptively tough stretch of games.

ROY: Yes, that's right Woody. Our fans may be taking these upcoming games for granted, but I can assure you our players are not. They know that teams like Florida Atlantic, UNC-Asheville, and High Point are not easy victories. High Point is coming off some quality wins against Longwood and Elon. These may very well be NCAA tournament teams.

(Silence.)

WOODY: Do I really have to keep playing along with this?

ROY: Yes, you do.

WOODY: All right. I'm sure you'll have the boys ready for the challenging weeks ahead, Coach. Now, before we go to the phones today, we are going to try a little experiment, Coach. I hope you don't mind. But I would like to try something. I know you are not a fan of the internets . . .

ROY: You mean, crapnet.

WOODY: . . . but I think you ought to know that you have some very, very loyal fans on Inside Carolina.

ROY: You mean, Crapside Crapolina.

WOODY: Now calm down a second coach. I have invited this nice young man here to the studio to try to heal the rift between you and the internets. He wishes to remain anonymous, and so we will refer to him as "King of IC." He tells us he posts under a variety of other names on Inside Carolina, and something called "The Blob".

KING: That's "The Bob."

ROY: I can give you something for that acne, young man.

KING: . . . Um, OK . . . wow!

WOODY: What is it, son?

KING: It's just that I never thought I'd get to meet Roy Williams . . . I have to tell you . . . you are absolutely 100 percent my biggest fan.

ROY: What?

WOODY: You mean that you are his biggest fan.

KING: What did I say? I am like totally wetting myself with nervousness here.

WOODY: Tell us a little bit about yourself, and your admiration of Coach Williams.

KING: Sure, OK. Well, I am 27 years old and I work in tech support. I am one of thousands of Inside Carolina members who just worship Coach Williams. We love you coach and support you 100 percent.

ROY: Well that's nice to hear . . . um, Mr. King. But 100 percent is 10 percent less than I demand of my players. And I just wish that all that crapnet enthusiasm could be transmitted to our home crowd. . . .

KING: Well a lot of them are really old. Like, you guys are medium old, but some of those Dean Dome fans are old-old.

ROY: . . . If our fans had half the want-to that our players have . . . which is about 40 to 60 percent of the want-to that I have . . .

KING: Lots of old folks have white hair growing out of there ears, right? But last week at the Dome I saw this one dude who had a white hair growing out of his eye socket! Check it out, I got a picture of it on my cell phone!

ROY: . . . I mean, it just tans my leather to see our fans sitting on their hands while our boys are working their butts off to represent this great university . . . (sniff) . . . I mean . . .

WOODY: I don't see anything.

KING: Well the screen on my phone is kinda small, but trust me . . .

ROY: . . . dadgummit, I've got 17 players back in that locker room . . . (sob, sniff) . . .

KING: Roy is crying! AWESOME! Right here! In front of me! This is AWESOME. Coach, can I just get some of those tears, to take home in this vial?

WOODY: What in the h - e - double-toothpicks are you doing?

KING: I just wanted to get some of Coach's tears. On Ebay I could trade these for the complete Revenge of the Sith action figure set.

WOODY: No you may not have his tears you little . . . (bleep) . . ..

ROY: Thank goodness gracious for that seven-second delay. This just reinforces all of my feelings about the crapnet.

WOODY: In retrospect, this was a bad idea.

KING: Can I just say one more thing?

WOODY: No.

KING: I'd like to send a shoutout to . . . hey! Ouch! . . . What are you . . . Hey, that hurts . . . oof! . . .

ROY: Ha, good one, Woody. You are way past retirement age and you're still kicking his behind.

WOODY: Sorry about that, Coach. I just thought . . .

ROY: Listen, I don't have anything against Inside Carolina. I know they love the University of North Carolina as much as they possibly can, which is probably about one-third as much as Roy Williams does. Nobody loves Carolina more than Roy Williams. But I just don't like the anonymity of crapnet. It's not right.

WOODY: Let's just go to the phones coach. Caller, you're on the air.

CALLER1: Yes, I live in Ohio and can only see the games on TV. And for the life of me I can't tell Deon Thompson and Alex Stepheson apart.

(Pause.)

WOODY: Do you have a question?

CALLER1: Can you tell them apart?

WOODY: I can. Can you, coach?

ROY: Yes, I can.

CALLER1: How?

ROY: Well, they have different jersey numbers, for one thing.

WOODY: Also, they have different faces. You can see that up close.

ROY: Yes, there's also the facial differences. So that's how we do it.

CALLER1: I see.

WOODY: Next caller, you're on the air.

CALLER2: Yeah, this is Miss X calling. I don't want to give my name, but I'm a big fan of the Carolina team. I post on IC sometimes. It's not so bad, Coach.

ROY: If you say so, Miss X.

WOODY: Welcome, Miss X.

CALLER2: I just want to say that it is easy to tell Deon and Alex apart. For one thing, Alex has (bleeeeeeeeeeeeep) on his (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). And Deon has (bleeeeeeeeeeep. Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep). CLICK.

WOODY: Whoa! Is there a full moon tonight or something?

ROY: Don't you have a call screener, Woody?

WOODY: We will have a new one next week, I think.

ROY: While you and the staff sort things out, why don't we go to our weekly Jewel poem.

WOODY: Good idea.

ROY: This one is called, "My Horse." It is about thankfulness, and I think it is a good one as we head into the holidays.

My Horse, by Jewel

I am thankful for my horse
My beautiful young stallion
My glistening medallion
My Spanish Galeon

I ride him day and night
In dark or light
Until we sleep
A deep, deep sleep
Of love

My horse and I ride
The frozen tundra
Not of Lambeau Field, but of
Alaska
My Alaska
Thank you, my horse

The End.

WOODY: Another beautiful piece of poetry from the lovely Jewel. Does she have a last name?

ROY: No, I don't think so. She is one of those one-name performers, like Prince or Madonna or Britney.

WOODY: Speaking of which, did you see . . . Never mind.

ROY: What?

WOODY: Never mind. Let's move on.

ROY: No, what? I'm curious now.

WOODY: I can't really say . . .

ROY: Why not? I'm not going to talk to any callers until you tell me what you were going to say.

WOODY: OK . . . um . . . speaking of . . . um . . . speaking of Madonna, did you see that she adopted a baby from Africa?

ROY: Yes.

Silence.

WOODY: Good for her, huh?

Pause.

ROY: Was that all? Why were you so reluctant to say that?

WOODY: I don't know. It's not germane to basketball.

ROY: Not germane? We recite Jewel's poetry here every week.

WOODY: Back to the phones! Caller, you're on the air with Coach Williams.

CALLER3: Yes, I listened with great, um, sanguinity . . . to that segment you elucidated with the kid from the internets. . . . And I just want to . . . um, reciprocate his remark . . . about all of us loving the coach and such.

WOODY: OK.

CALLER3: . . . And if it's OK with you, I would like to prognosticate for you a musical tribute to coach's . . . um, prodigious . . . um, talents.

ROY: You have quite the vocabulary there, caller.

CALLER3: Thanks. I've been increasing my word power.

ROY: It shows.

WOODY: What kind of tribute? Is it the rap? Coach Williams and I love the rap music.

CALLER3: No. This one is old school. I have a karaoke machine right here.

WOODY: OK, fire it up. But you only have 30 seconds.

(Music starts)

ROY: That sounds familiar.

WOODY: Yeah. I think it's the "Theme from Shaft." Isaac Hayes. Good stuff.

CALLER3: Who's the white guy named Roy / That's a coaching machine to all the players?

WOODY: Coach!

CALLER3: Ya dam right! / Who is the coach that would risk his neck for his brother coach?

WOODY: Coach!

CALLER3: Can you dig it? / Who's the coach that won't cop out when there's dookies all about?

WOODY: Coach!

CALLER3: Right On! / They say this Coach Roy is a bad mother . . .

WOODY: SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

ROY: OK, STOP IT! Stop it, please! You're embarrassing me. Woody, did you two plan this ahead of time?

WOODY: No, I just kind of joined in. Carried away by the moment, I guess.

ROY: Well, I appreciate the effort but . . .

WOODY: Well, perhaps we better put this show out of its misery Coach.

ROY: It's for the best.

WOODY: Remember everyone, this weekend is a great time to heat up a beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your Beef! For Coach Williams and everyone here at the Roy Williams Carolina Basketball Show, this is Woody Durham saying, "PEACE! Out."

Transcript - Oct. 1, 2006

TRANSCRIPT (Oct. 1, 2006): ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW

WOODY: Welcome once again, everybody, to another season of the Roy Williams Basketball Show, here on the Tar Heel Sports Network. I'm Woody Durham, your host, and I am joined today by the Head Coach of the North Carolina Basketball Tar Heels, Roy Williams.

ROY: Nice to be here with you again, Woody.

WOODY: Coach, this year marks my 34th season doing this show, and I must say it never gets old.

ROY: No it doesn't ...

WOODY: We are looking forward ...

ROY: ... mark your 34th season.

WOODY: What?

ROY: This isn't your 34th season.

WOODY: Yes it is. I started in 1969.

ROY: You started doing a show in 1969, but not the Roy Williams Basketball Show. Those shows with Coaches, Smith, Guthridge and Doherty were not the Roy Williams Basketball Show.

WOODY: Well, technically, I guess you're right.

ROY: Darn tootin' I am.

WOODY: But I've been doing the Coach's radio show for 34 years.

ROY: That you have. And you've been doing a great job.

WOODY: And we are sponsored once again by the good folks at Beefmaster, our sponsors for the last 11 years ...

ROY: Not technically ...

WOODY: ... Beefmaster, master your beef.

ROY: ... but they know what you mean.

WOODY: Coach, you are a stickler for accuracy. I suppose that's one of the qualities that makes you a great leader.

ROY: I'm a coach, not a leader. I don't know if I'm a stickler, Woody. But I have been known to stickle.

WOODY: Huh? Stickle?

ROY: That's a word, isn't it?

WOODY: Not technically.

Silence.

ROY: Touche.

WOODY: Coach, how was your offseason?

ROY: Busy, Woody. Busy, but nice. We have been out on the recruiting trail lately. Before that, Wanda and I spent some time at the beach, where I learned to parasail. And of course, I've been out on the golf course.

WOODY: Yes, I can see that. Your skin is the color of a glazed ham.

ROY: Thank you.

WOODY: Parasailing? That sounds dangerous.

ROY: It's a rush, as the kids say. They strap you into that harness and you're up there 100 feet above the ground ... nothing but the sea, and the Carolina blue sky. I tell you, it's better than ... it's darn good. But be sure to put that harness on correctly. And I'd suggest that all you male listeners out there wear a cup.

WOODY: I hear that. What happened here? For those of you at home, Coach Williams is sporting a bit of a shiner. A black eye.

ROY: That was a golfing mishap, Woody. I was up at the "Celebrities For The Kids" charity golf tournament, hosted by the comedian, Carrot Top.

WOODY: He frightens me.

ROY: Oh, he's a very funny guy. Besides Gallagher, nobody is funnier. And full of energy. He's always "on," as they say. Anywho ...

WOODY: His hair is a very unnatural color. And if I'm not mistaken, he wears eyeliner.

ROY: Well, he is in show business. It's part of his shtick, as the kids say.

WOODY: The kids don't say that. I've been hanging with the players all summer, and none of them ever said "shtick."

ROY: Well, regardless, Carrot Top was in my foursome. And he's a very competitive guy. Quite the athlete actually. He does a lot of weightlifting. He's a serious, dedicated body builder. Lots of muscle mass. But he's also a volatile guy, as show people sometimes are. He kept insisting that all the kids call him "Mr. Top." I was told he suffers from what they call "road rage."

WOODY: You mean "roid rage."

ROY: No, I think it was "road rage."

WOODY: Bodybuilders who use steroids get "roid rage."

ROY: This is my story, Woody.

WOODY: Sorry. Continue.

ROY: So Carrot Top has a little one foot putt on the 16th hole for par. We all conceded the putt. I said, "That's a gimme; no way you miss that," and we all headed for the carts and the next tee. But he wanted to putt it, apparently. Next thing I know his putter hits me in the eye. He got upset and threw it. But he seemed very sorry about it, and treated Wanda and me to tickets to his show in Raleigh at the Ritz.

WOODY: Ouch. So you are paying twice for his mistake. That's quite a story. I would have thought that would make the papers. "Violent Orange Clown Bludgeons Coach," or something like that.

ROY: We all decided to keep it on the QT.

WOODY: The Quentin Thomas?

ROY: No, the QT. You know, keep it quiet, so as not to hurt Carrot Top's career.

WOODY: How could you do that? Never mind, don't answer. Let's get down to business. Coach, there is a great deal of excitement and anticipation in the Carolina Nation this year. Midnight Madness is right around the corner. The Tar Heels are loaded with highly-ranked prospects, and the team is ranked in the top 5 of many preseason polls. Expectations are sky-high.

ROY: As you know Woody, polls don't mean diddlysquat to me. With Old Roy, what you see is what you get, and Old Roy Ain't That Good. Dadgummit, it may sound corny, but the only poll I care about is the last one.

WOODY: That is some great shtick, coach.

ROY: Thanks.

WOODY: When you say "the last poll," do you mean the one that comes out after the NCAA Tournament?

ROY: Well, actually, I meant the NCAA Tournament itself.

WOODY: But that's not a poll.

ROY: Not technically, no. But you know what I meant.

WOODY: Coach, let's go to the phones. The fans really want to find out how the players are doing, your thoughts about the team, etc. Let's talk some basketball! Caller, you're on the air.

CALLER: Yeah, hi. This is Bruce from Chapel Hill. I just wanted to say that "stickle" is a word.

ROY: Ha!

WOODY: No!

CALLER: It's in the Oxford Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language. It means "One who stickles."

WOODY: Well tie me up and call me stupid. I did not know that. That is jankity..

ROY: What?

WOODY: Hanging with the players this summer, we've been working on my vocabulary. I'm learning the street slang. The slizzange, if you will.

ROY: I see.

WOODY: Next caller.

CALLER: Hi, this is Jim-Ed from Fuquay-Varina. I was wondering, Coach, how you are going to find enough playing time for all these talented players? How are you gonna keep them all happy, team chemistry wise speaking?

ROY: Dadgummit Ed-Jim, it's not up to me to keep them happy. It's up to them to keep me happy.

WOODY: You heard him, Jim-Earl. Next caller.

CALLER: Hello?

ROY: Hello.

CALLER: Am I on the air?

WOODY: You are.

CALLER: Yes, this is Carolyn, from Wake Forest, and I just want to say that Bobby Frasor is totally hot.

CLICK.

WOODY: Sorry about that. Our call screeners are a bit rusty.

ROY: No, no problem Woody. Bobby Frasor is a fine looking young man. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that. He is a gritty, gutty, heady, gym rat. And a good-looking one, to boot.

WOODY: On Inside Carolina, they described him as "floor-burny." That's a good word, don't you think?

ROY: Normally I would say yes, but since it came from the Crapnet, I'll say no.

WOODY: Next caller, you're on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: This is Susie Frecklepure, from Heartland, KS.

WOODY: Oh no ...

CALLER: And I just want to say, Coach Williams, that even though my dad and my boyfriend and all my friends and my teacher and my principal and my dog all hate your guts, I still support you and miss you. My heart is torn, between you and KU. My brother says that he hopes you develop a case of the shingles and the runs, but that's just his broken heart talking. I just wanted to let you know that you have at least one fan in Kansas.

ROY: Well, thanks very much Susie. Leave your address with the operator, and we'll send you tickets to the Carolina game of your choice.

CALLER: Why would I want that?

WOODY: This seems like a good time to let the folks know about an exciting new idea from Beefmaster: the Beefmaster "Sausage of the Month Club." Enroll someone you love in the Sausage of the Month Club, and let them enjoy a different Beefmaster pure beef or pure pork sausage product every month. Makes a great holiday gift. Nothing says "I love you" like a sausage. Beefmaster, master your beef.

ROY: Wanda and I are in the Sausage of the Month Club. We love it.

WOODY: As do I. Back to the phones, Coach.

CALLER: Hello. I just want to say how great it is to have Coach Williams as our coach. We saw him at the opening of the Harris Teeter over on Route 54, and he was just as nice as could be. And you're right! He does have a glazed ham tan!

ROY: Thanks caller.

WOODY: Roy Williams, that's my dog!

ROY: I'm your dog?

WOODY: W-W-W. W-W-W. Word.

ROY: See, now that sounds like an insult. Me being your dog.

WOODY: No, it's actually a good thing. It means you're my good friend.

ROY: Oh, I see. Sort of like when Michael Jackson said he was bad, he meant good.

WOODY: You got it, dog.

ROY: OK. Well ... then ... I suppose you are my dog too.

WOODY: Oh ... (choking back tears) ... Coach ... that is the nicest ... that is ...

ROY: da bomb?

WOODY (sobbing): Yes. Very much so. Very much da bomb.

ROY: Let's move on before I start crying.

WOODY: Hey yeah, what gives? You usually cry at the drop of a hat.

ROY: I don't know. I'm too confused to cry.

WOODY: OK. Next caller? Iz you in your crib?

CALLER: What?

WOODY: Caller, are you there?

CALLER: Yes, um ... this is Chris from Durham. Coach, what sets do you think will work best for you against Dook this year?

ROY: Chris, we have caller ID. I'm not going to answer that question.

CALLER: This is not Chris Collins. This is just a Carolina fan who is also named Chris who is visiting Chris. Collins. Who is not me.

ROY: OK, I'll answer your question if you say one thing for me. Say "Pete Gaudet was a good and loyal member of the Dook Basketball family. We miss him."

CLICK.

WOODY: Next caller, what's your question for Roy Williams?

CALLER: Yes, this is Buck from Cary.

ROY: Hi Buck.

CALLER: Coach, my kids and I are big fans of you and the Heels. But when I take the kids to the Smith Center, the kids will sometimes get impatient watching the game. I let them stand up and walk up and down the aisles. But there's this one usher there. He 's a young guy for an usher, about 40 years old, and he struts around like he owns the place. And he's always hassling my kids for being in the aisles. They don't bother anyone and their too short to obstruct anyone's view.

WOODY: So what's your question?

CALLER: Can you get that guy fired?

ROY: Well Buck, I don't think that that's really within our ...

CALLER: He looks just like Billy Donovan.

ROY: Consider it done.

WOODY: Caller, you're on the air with Coach Roy Williams.

CALLER: Coach, will you favor us with a Jewel poem?

ROY: Actually, this week I did not bring along any of the lovely Jewel's poetry ...

WOODY: No problem coach. I keep a copy of her collected works here in my breast pocket, next to my heart.

ROY: Oh, OK. Let's see ... well ... I've always been partial to her poems about her beautiful home state of Alaska. Why don't we go with one of those? ... OK ... here's one. It's called "Mister Caribou".

Mister Caribou
Migrating over the thawing tundra
Majestic antlers, molting winter coat
Your journey is long, your obstacles great
Yet you persevere

Mister Caribou
Tall and brave
I wish you were human
I wish you were my man
I can almost feel the touch of your hoof
See your flaring nostrils
Your sensitive eyes

Mister Caribou
Mister Wolf
Mister Polar bear
We are not so different, you and I
We four are like two peas in a pod
Let's get it on

WOODY: Hmmm. Food for thought.

ROY: I hope that one is OK for radio. It combines a certain cross-species eroticism that might not go down well with all audiences.

CALLER: You said "go down."

ROY: What?

WOODY: Is there no end to the artistic greatness of this lovely and humble songstress?

ROY: If there is, we haven't seen it yet.

CALLER: Did you guys hear? She's going to host Nashville Star this year.

ROY: What happened to Wynona? Arrested again?

WOODY: Apparently.

ROY: Well, looks like I'm going to be firing up the old Tivo this fall.

WOODY: The what?

ROY: The Tivo. You know, the DVR.

WOODY: Oh, right. Handy things, those DVRs.

ROY: Yes they are. The Tivo is my dog.

WOODY: W-W-W-Word. From our sponsor. The good people at Beefmaster Franks would like you to remember to enjoy Beefmaster franks in moderation. The FDA has asked us to tell you that consumption of more than 25 pounds per week of beef frankfurters can cause blindness in certain vulnerable populations. Over-consumption of anything can be bad for you, including beefmaster franks. Don't master your beef too often: you could go blind. Enjoy beefmaster franks responsibly.

Coach, that's all the time we have today. Do you have a final word for all the fans out there?

ROY: Yes, I do Woody. Come early, stay late, be loud. And if you don't, you can expect a tongue lashing from me at the next press conference.

WOODY: You heard it, folks. Come on out and enjoy another great season of Tar Heel Basketball. This is Woody Durham, saying Peace Out.

TRANSCRIPT - Nov. 27, 2006

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW – TRANSCRIPT
November 27, 2005

WOODY: Welcome once again to another edition of the Roy Williams Radio Show, with Coach Roy Williams of the National Champion North Carolina Tar Heels. And me, your host, Woody Durham. Brought to you buy Beefmaster Franks. Beefmaster: Master your beef. And Food Lion: Selling only fresh meat now. It’s not your father’s Food Lion. Welcome Coach.

ROY: Hi Woody. Great to be here.

WOODY: Before we go to the calls, talk a little about the team’s early progress this year.

ROY: Well, we are coming along Woody. As you know we lost our top 7 players, including 4 NBA draft picks, as well as our leading defensive player. To say we’re young would be an understatement. We’re practically embryonic. …

WOODY: Oooo. Good word. How about zygotic?

ROY: No, that’s just gross. … So anyway, we’re young. We’re learning as we go. We struggled against a very good Gardner-Webb club.

(Woody does spit take.)

ROY: Are you OK?

WOODY: Yeah. … Oh, I thought you were kidding about Gardner-Webb.

ROY: No, they are a senior-led team. They’d probably finish in the top half of the ACC.

WOODY: Oh … of course… yes… sure, they’re good.

ROY: Anyway, we are getting better each game. And David Noel is showing great leadership for us.

WOODY: You seem to be a bit undecided about the point guard situation.

ROY: Yes, we have the veteran Thomas, and the freshman, Frasor, splitting time there. QT is probably the better defender, and has done a nice job so far cutting down on his turnovers. But Frasor is such a gritty gutty heady spunky gym rat. I just love kids like that. They remind me of me. Sometimes I deny him cokes just to see how he’ll react.

WOODY: You’ve got a tough test for both of these youngsters this week, facing Dee Brown of Illinois. I was shocked to see that Dee Brown was still on the Illini roster. It seems like he’s been at Illinois since the Lou Henson era. But in fact, he’s only a 5th year sophomore, due to injuries and such.

ROY: Yes, we’ve got our work cut out for us.

WOODY: Let’s go to the calls. Caller, you’re on the air with National Champion Coach Roy Williams.

CALLER: (Giggling) … Um … yeah, we want to know if you … um … Coach … if you like corn dogs … (Giggling) …

ROY: I love ‘em.

CALLER: Awesome! … (giggling) … because … um … we have this company … it’s called (giggling) … it’s called “Nobody’s Corn Dogs” (giggling) … and all the profits go to charity and stuff … and (giggling) we were wondering if you could … um … do a PSA for us?

ROY: PSA?

WOODY: Public service announcement.

ROY: Sure. What should I say?

CALLER: (giggling) … Say … Say … “It may sound corny, but nobody’s corn dogs are cornier than Nobody’s Corn Dogs!” … (giggling) … OK?

ROY: Sure. Be happy to. You want me to do it right now? You’re recording this?

CALLER: Yes.

ROY: Ready? …

CALLER: Yeah! …

ROY: … (CLICK)

WOODY: You hung up on them!

ROY: I may be corny but I’m not stupid. Next caller.

WOODY: Go ahead caller.

CALLER: Yeah, this is Myron from Chapel Hill. I’m in tech support. I am a big fan of Coach Williams. I have a Roy Williams mouse pad and a Roy Williams screen saver. Even my pocket protector is Carolina blue. I am one of Coach Williams’ biggest defenders on Inside Carolina.

WOODY: On where?

ROY: It’s a crapnet site, Woody.

CALLER: Yeah. Yo check it out Coach. The ICers was all like doggin’ you and saying we won’t get 20 wins in the regular season, right? But I was all like “when we win 20 you will all be my beyotches.” I RULE over there!

(Silence.)

ROY: I feel old.

WOODY: Listen Myron, since you have so much Roy Williams paraphernalia, you might be interested in a nice O-R-A-T-G umbrella, white with baby blue lettering.

CALLER: I’m not allowed to go outside. Doctor’s orders. Severe allergies. Besides, I wouldn’t buy it because Old Roy IS That Good, dog.

WOODY: You can’t go outside, ever? Dog?

CALLER: Never ever. But it’s OK because with the internet I can order stuff and have a full social life and get the news and such. I can even listen to the Heels on the Tar Heel Sports Network.

WOODY: (sniff) … Coach … the plight of this little guy has touched me.

ROY: Me too Woody. Good luck to you champ. I mean, dog.

CALLER: Thanks. Hey while I’m on the air I’d like to give a shout out … CLICK.

WOODY: Next caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Yeah, this is PackFan from Apex. I think the Pack is going to be a lot better without Da Jules this year. Most of my friends at the Seed ‘n Feed think I’m crazy. But sometimes a guy like that can screw up your chemistry. Coach Sendek is ready to put a balanced team on the floor this year, and I think we’re going to pose a problem for Carolina. What do you think Coach?

ROY: Da Jules?

WOODY: Julius Hodge. HONGRY!

ROY: What?

WOODY: They call him “Hongry”.

ROY: I thought they called him “Da Jules.”

WOODY: Yes, they call him that too. Since you are a hip-hop aficionado, I know I don’t have to tell you that “Da Jules” is a variation of “Ja Rule.”

ROY: No sir. You don’t have to tell me that.

WOODY (rhyming): Yeah, yeah, yo … I got a knack for pushin crack, and cookin raw coke … fresh off the boat, no vest but I tote, and wear it like a coat … I'm starin through the scope, with one eye open and one shut … Zero in on the target, spark him and watch his head bust … Ain't …

ROY: Stop it Woody.

WOODY: Word.

CALLER: Ahem!

ROY: Oh right. Your question. …. What was it again?

CALLER: I asked whether State will pose a problem for Carolina this year?

ROY: Well PackFan, the ACC is always tough. As you know, we lost our top seven players, and that includes our top 4, our top 3 and our top 2. So we have some good young recruits … blah blah blah … who are working hard … blah blah blah … respect our opponents … blah blah blah … Does that answer your question?

CALLER: No it doesn’t answer my question? What was all that “blah blah” stuff? Will State beat you or not?

ROY: No.

WOODY: No, I don’t see that happening either. Next caller?

CALLER: This is Hans from Urbana, Illinois. I can’t wait for Dee Brown and the boys to put a hurtin’ on you Heels this week. You guys were lucky to beat us in the finals last year. We were the people’s champs. Coach Bruce Wooden has the biggest brain in basketball. It’s HUGE!

ROY: Well, Illinois is a fine team. Coach … um … Weber has done a great job there. They ran a nice passing game last year, with some very aggressive screening and good ball movement.

WOODY: Their screens reminded me of the old days in the NFL before chop blocks were illegal.

ROY: Now Woody, let’s be gracious victors.

WOODY: “Gracious Victors”? Is that like “Nervous Nellies”?

ROY: What?

CALLER: Coach, how big is your head? I’ll bet Bruce Wooden’s head is bigger.

WOODY: I bet his head isn’t bigger than mine. I wear a size 9 hat. In high school I wasn’t allowed to play football because they didn’t have any helmets that would fit me. That’s how I got into announcing.

ROY: You called the games for your high school radio station?

WOODY: No. After I got cut I spent long hours in the sauna trying to shrink my head. One day at the YMCA sauna, I met Don Criqui. He was in town for a college football game … speaking of a guy with a huge head … Anyway, I was the only person in the steam room and he came in and asked me to leave. Well, ordered me to leave, really. As I was leaving he ushered in this beautiful woman who was wearing only a towel. That day, I resolved to go into broadcasting.

ROY: Always follow your dream. I remember a similar thing happening to me when I was a kid. I used to go with my friends to the corner store, where there was this coke machine …

WOODY: So anyway, caller, it doesn’t matter who has the biggest head. It’s what you do with it that counts. What Coach Williams and the Heels did was wallop Illinois last April. I hope they can do it again this week.

ROY: Well said, Wood-man.

WOODY: That’s all the time we have tonight on the Roy Williams Radio …

ROY: WAIT! No time for a Jewel poem?

WOODY: Well hush my mouth. What am I thinking. Of COURSE there’s time. There’s always time for words of wisdom from the lovely and buxom Alaskan.

ROY: Tonight I’ve selected a poem that I think illustrates the lesson you were just talking about: about following your passion. It’s called, “Follow Your Passion.” By Jewel.

Follow your passion
Down the off ramp of your soul
Past the truckstop of your loins
To the Denny’s of your heart

Let your heart’s desire
Fan the fires
And screech your tires
On life’s dirty liars

Follow your passion
Where it leads
Back up the on ramp of your soul

Put the top down
Feel the breeze in your hair
Gun my engine
Rev my motor
Trajan

The End.

WOODY: Yeah baby!

ROY: I thought that was a good one for our younger listeners.

WOODY: I hate that last line though.

ROY: Yes, that was unfortunate.

WOODY: That’s all the time we have. Remember the good folks at Beefmaster in your dinner plans. Next time you strap on the old feedbag, strap on a beefmaster. This is Woody Durham, for Coach Roy Williams, saying good night.

Transcript, October 19, 2005

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, TRANSCRIPT, October 19, 2005

WOODY: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to another edition of the Roy Williams Radio Show, with Coach Roy Williams of the North Carolina Tar Heels, and your host, me, Woody Durham. As always, our show is brought to you today by the good people at Beefmaster Franks. Beefmaster: Master your beef.

ROY: Nobody loves Beefmaster more than Roy Williams, Woody. I love 'em!

WOODY: Y yo tambien, Coach.

ROY: What?

WOODY: Coach, the start of the season is right around the corner. How is the team looking to you right now?

ROY: Well, we still have some work to do. We lost our top 7 players. Our top seven. That’s our first best player, plus our second best player, plus our third best player, plus our fourth best player, plus …

WOODY: The top 7.

ROY: Right. That’s a lot.

WOODY: That’s seven.

ROY: Right.

(Silence.)

WOODY: Are you finished with that subject?

ROY: No, your interruption made me lose my train of thought. … Oh … right … So since we lost so much experience and talent, untested players will have to step up and fill the void left by … The Magnificent Seven.

WOODY: Ooo, I like that. “The Magnificent Seven.” That’s good.

ROY: Thanks, I made that one up. I just want all the fans and writers and critics and other coaches and sportswriters and critics to remember how much talent this team lost.

WOODY: So calling those guys who left “The Magnificent Seven” should help them remember.

ROY: Yes, that was my intent. It’s sort of a pneumatic device.

WOODY: You mean “mnemonic device.”

ROY: Are you sure? I thought it was “pneumatic.”

WOODY: No, I think it’s “mnemonic.”

ROY: Well, I’m just a simple country boy, so I’ll defer to you, Woody. With Roy Williams, what you see is what you get. Nobody loves neutronic devices more than Roy Williams. And I’ll admit that I got that one wrong, Woody. Well done.

WOODY: Thanks.

ROY: So tell me, when does your contract for this show expire?

WOODY: The important thing is that folks remember how much talent the Heels lost coming into this year, what with the departure of The Magnificent Seven and all.

ROY: Right. I’m only human. O-R-A-T-G.

WOODY: What?

ROY: O-R-A-T-G. “Old Roy Ain’t That Good.”

WOODY: Oh, right. Good one. O-R-A-T-G. ... Let’s go to the phones, shall we? Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Hey yo, this is Big Tooley from Beaufort.

ROY: Hello Mr. Tooley.

CALLER: Actually, Tooley is not my last name. It’s sort of a nickname. Anywho, I was wondering if the Heels are gonna play any games down in Wilmington this year. I’d love to see my Heels this year! WOO-HOO! Yeah!

WOODY: A true die hard fan.

ROY: Big Tootie, nobody loves Wilmington more than Roy Williams. But let me ask you a question. How long of a drive is it from Wilmington to Chapel Hill?

CALLER: Well for most people, about three hours. But in my TransAm it takes me two hours, tops.

ROY: So you think two hours is too far to drive to see the Heels?

CALLER: … um … well …

ROY: Were you at Late Night with Me?

CALLER: No.

ROY: Dadgummit. In Kansas it was not uncommon for our freckle-faced fans of the heartland to ride for four hours on the dadgum open back end of a hay bailer or manure truck from all parts of Kansas at dadgum 12 miles per hour through the frozen Kansas night. Half the time the Allen Fieldhouse reeked of manure, but that only made the homecourt advantage stronger. Many an intrepid Kansan has died in trying to reach Lawrence for a game, and they were happy to do so to support their Jayhawks, dadgummit. ... Tootie, I once met an elderly woman, Mabel Sue Frick, who spent 16 hours hitching a ride from Sublette, Kansas to Lawrence to see her beloved team play. She had asthma, and shortly after the game she developed pneumonia, because the only car that would pick her up was full of pot smokers. She died three days later, but not from pneumonia. She died from dehydration after eating six large popcorns at the game. So don’t tell me that marijuana doesn’t kill. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. ... Anyway, from her hospital bed, her last words were … I kid you not … (sniff) … her last words were the 8th verse of the Kansas fight song. … Can you believe it? … (choking noises) … So Tweetie, if you and the General Lee are too drunk, lazy or inbred to manage a two hour drive to Chapel Hill, then I don’t know what to say.

(Silence.)

CALLER: I feel so ashamed.

WOODY: You should. … I am embarrassed to even be on the phone with you. … You should hang up.

CALLER: One question first. What’s the Smith Center?

WOODY: I think Coach means the Dean Dome, Big Tootsie.

ROY: Yes, the Dean Dome. When I was at Kansas, the Allen Fieldhouse was full for every game.

WOODY: But Allen only seats 12,000. The Dean Dome seats 20,000. And Kansas City is only 40 minutes away.

ROY: Excuse me, Woody, but Kansas City is hundreds or even thousands of miles from the Smith Center. So you see, you don’t know everything, Mr. Smartypants-neutronic-device. The point is we need dedicated fans.

WOODY: Point taken. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Yes … hello? … This is RayRayRayRay from Wilson?

WOODY: Go ahead RayRayRayRayRay. You’re on the air.

CALLER: No, it’s only four “Rays”. Coach, I just want to say what a great job you’re doing recruiting players to play for the Heels. I know that during your last show you screamed at a caller for asking about recruiting, so I’m not going to do that …

ROY: Listen. Nobody loves recruits or recruiting more than Roy Williams. I just want our fans to support the youngsters we have now. Did you know that the Smith Center wasn’t even full for Late Night with Me? We should sell out the place every night. Nobody loves a sellout more than Roy Williams.

CALLER: So anyway, my father and I own a big used car dealership here in Wilson. Well actually, my father owns it, but I will own it some day. It’s called “RayRayRay’s Motors.” Anyway …

WOODY: I thought you said there were four “Rays.”

CALLER: I’m RayRayRayRay. My dad is “RayRayRay.”

WOODY: Hmmm …

CALLER: So anyway, through our Ram’s Club connections we get to hear all the inside scoop on recruiting and we generally know anywhere from 5-100 days ahead of time when a recruit is going to commit. Which is great, by the way. The Ram’s Club is money well spent. As they say, “information is power.”

WOODY: Who says that?

CALLER: Well, Warren Buffett for one. And David Blaine. And I think, the Dali Lama.

WOODY: And Uri Geller.

CALLER: Who?

WOODY: The spoon bender! I wish I could bend stuff with my mind. That would be cool.

ROY: What is wrong with you tonight?

WOODY: I’m trying to be more like Regis. I think the show needs more give and take. More light chit-chat. More Regis-type banter.

ROY: (Sigh) … Ray … Ray …Ray …whatever … nobody knows anything about Carolina recruiting except Roy Williams. Others may think they know, but they don’t. Certainly not Jerry Keller.

CALLER: What about the players you’re recruiting? Aren’t they the first to know where they are going to go?

ROY: Not always. Sometimes I can tell what they are going to do even before they know. And when that happens, I don’t tell them that I know, because that would be unfair to them. But believe me, it’s not uncommon for me to know what they’ll do long before they know. Call it a “sick sense,” if you will.

WOODY: You mean “sixth sense.”

ROY: No, “Sixth Sense” is a movie starring Bruce Willis and Donny Jo Osmond. I’m talking about something else.

WOODY: But there are five senses: taste, touch, smell, sight and hearing. Coach, your recruiting clairvoyance would be your sixth sense.

ROY: I could give a crap about Donny Osmond right now! I’ve got 12 players back in the dorm and not a single one of them has extra-sensory perception, and yet I still love them and support them as if they were my own family! Nobody loves those guys more than Roy Williams.

CALLER: Woody, if Roy knows where a recruit is going before the recruit does, that is SICK with a capital “S”.

ROY: See Woody? You stand corrected.

WOODY: All righty then. Next caller, you’re on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: Yeah, this is Bob from Boone.

WOODY: Bah-BOONE! What’s your sign?

CALLER: What?

WOODY: Your sign. Your zodiac sign. What is it?

CALLER: Uh … Scorpio?

WOODY: Go ahead with your question, Scorpio.

CALLER: My question is this. I know we’re not supposed to talk about recruits and stuff, but we are so gonna kick Dook’s butts next year it’s not even funny.

WOODY: That’s not really a question.

ROY: What is this obsession with recruiting and beating Dook? It may come as a surprise to you, but we don’t worry any more about the Dook game than any other.

WOODY: Get out!

ROY: No, it’s true. The Dook game doesn’t count any more or less in the win-loss record than any other game. Sure, it’s nice to beat your arch rival. And recruiting victories are nice too. Believe me, I know what losing can do to one’s back. But beating Dook is something that the fans care more about than I do.

WOODY: Do you believe that caller? I’m dubious.

CALLER: I BELIEVE!

WOODY: Hallelujah! If you believe, then I believe. ... Now it’s time for a word from our good friends at Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Try our new beefmaster pops! A cool, refreshing source of protein.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WOODY: We’re back, Coach. How about a poem?

ROY: You mean a Jewel poem?

WOODY: YEAH BABY!

ROY: Well I’ve learned that some listeners don’t care for the Jewel poems. Some say they’re too sexy …

WOODY: HUZZAH!

ROY: … and others say we shouldn’t recite them because she was Trajan Langdon’s lab partner in junior high.

WOODY: What do they know. She’s SIZZLIN’.

ROY: So tonight I’ve chosen one that is a little more mainstream, I think. And it is appropriate, with the season right around the corner. It’s called “Conquest.”

CONQUEST, by Jewel

Conquest
Con.
Quest.
Is this journey a deception?
Will you reach your reception?
Or is this a con – quest?
Climb the mountains
Ford the stream
Till the valley of your dreams
Your conquest will be complete.
Trust me.
Trajan.

WOODY: The lovely and curvaceous Jewel, ladies and gentlemen. What a wordsmith.

ROY: Yes, she never fails to disappoint, does she Woody?

WOODY: No, she does not. Let’s take one more call.

CALLER: Yes, this is … um … John … from Chapel Hill. I’d like Coach Williams to talk a little bit about what the walk-ons mean to the team.

ROY: Be happy to. Good question.

WOODY: This caller kinda sounds like Coach Smith, doesn’t he?

ROY: Uh … I’m not sure.

CALLER: Woody, I think the people want hear about what great young men these walk-ons are.

WOODY: I doubt that. But boy, you sure sound a whole bunch like Coach Smith.

CALLER: “A whole bunch like …” is grammatically incorrect, Woody.

WOODY: It is you, Coach! How are things going …(CLICK) Caller? … Caller? Oh, he’s gone.

ROY: Let me just say a word about our walk-ons, who mean so very much to the success of the team. Nobody loves walk-ons more than Roy Williams. I myself was a walk-on at Carolina, so great things can happen to walk-ons. Walk-ons are the backbone of the team. …

WOODY (singing): Hey, kids, rock and roll. Walk on. Ooo my soul.

ROY: Excuse me, Woody?

WOODY: What? Did I sing that out loud?

ROY: Yes.

WOODY: Sorry.

ROY: Anyway, as I was saying. When I was a walk-on here at Carolina, I remember I didn’t have much money. And my walk-on friends and I would go up to Suttons where they sold sodas and such …

WOODY: Sorry Coach, that’s all the time we have. Join us next time on the Tar Heel Sports Network. Until then, this is Woody Durham, saying “courage.”

(Cue music.)

ROY: Is that your new sign-off?

WOODY: Yeah, do you like it?

ROY: No. Not really. You borrowed it from Dan Rather.

WOODY: True ‘dat.

ROY: Jiminy crickets.

Transcript, October 10, 2005

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, OCT. 10, TRANSCRIPT:

WOODY: Welcome to the Roy Williams Radio Show, our second of the season. Brought to you once again by the good folks at Beefmaster. Beefmaster: Master your beef. And by Food Lion. At Food Lion, we do whatever it takes to give you the lowest prices around. Coach Williams, welcome.

ROY: Thanks Woody. Dadgummit, I’m ready for the season to start.

WOODY: Yes, Late Night with Roy is just around the corner. Last year you and the team put on quite a show. Any dance routines planned for this year?

ROY: Well, we have some special plans. But I’m not gonna spill the beans.

WOODY: Rumor has it that Reyshawn Terry can do back handsprings. Will that figure into the show?

ROY: He can?

WOODY: That’s what I hear.

ROY: I did not know that.

WOODY: I also hear Wes Miller can do a killer impression of you.

ROY: That I knew. And it has already cost him some playing time. No one gets to cuss except me, and no one gets to do me except me.

WOODY: That didn’t sound right. You mean, no one gets to do an impression of you except you.

ROY: Well if I’m doing it, it wouldn’t be an impression, then, would it? It’d be the real thing.

WOODY: Yeah, I guess that’s right. But you said “do me.” And the kids today use that expression differently.

ROY: Dadummit Woody, half the time I have no idea what you are talking about. Let’s take some calls.

WOODY: OK, caller are you there?

CALLER: Yeah … am I on? …

WOODY: You’re on the air with Coach Roy Williams.

CALLER: … awesome … Jayhawks rule! … Vishal, I’m in the TV! … Traitor Roy! …. (CLICK)

WOODY: Well, that was unfortunate.

ROY: Yes it was.

WOODY: Probably raised in a creationist environment.

ROY: Nobody loves Kansas basketball more than Roy Williams. I just regret that my leaving Lawrence upset so many of the good people of Kansas.

WOODY: Apparently it also upset some other Kansans as well. Next caller?

CALLER: Yes, Coach, I wonder if you could talk about the great recruiting class you have assembled from this year’s high school senior class?

ROY: The people on crapnet seem to focus a lot on recruiting. Sometimes it seems they get more excited about the youngsters who aren’t here yet than the fine youngsters we have now.

WOODY: Well Coach, it is an awfully impressive group, what with Lawson and Ellington and ….

ROY: I could give a crap about Lawson and Ellington right now! I’ve got 12 guys back there in the dorm who would give their left ... um ... their blood, sweat and tears for Carolina basketball right now! They are out there every day, busting their behinds to give these fans the team they want and deserve. How about a little appreciation for them?

CALLER: Are you asking me?

WOODY: I think it was a rhetorical question.

ROY: I’m sorry, I just get so dang-burned frustrated with the fans sometimes. I am seriously thinking of going the cheer sheet route the way Coach K does.

WOODY: Ewww.

CALLER: Coach, I was wrong to compliment you about the recruits. I wish only to be led by you.

WOODY: That’s better. How about a commercial break.

Winter is just around the corner, so there’s no time like the present to fire up the grill and enjoy a plump and juicy beefmaster frank. Whether it’s a picnic at the park, entertaining guests on the back deck, or just another lonely evening in your bleak and barren apartment, it’s always time for a beefmaster.

WOODY: Next caller, are you there?

CALLER: Coach, I wonder if you would favor us with another selection from the poetry of the lovely and buxom songstress, Jewel?

ROY: Love to.

WOODY: YEAH!

ROY: Lately I’ve asking the team to read some of her poems about overcoming adversity. They contain some life lessons for us all. Like this one, entitled “The Me-ness of Me.”

The me-ness of me is excruciating
Yet I persevere
Must my teeth be straight? NO!
Must my hair be styled the Nashville way? NO!
But that doesn’t matter because
I am me.
As you are he.
As you are we.
And we are all together.
Goo-goo-ca-choob.

WOODY: A tiny bit of plagiarism there.

ROY: What do you mean?

WOODY: Well that last bit was lifted from a Beatles song.

ROY: I don’t think so.

WOODY: Yeah, it’s from “I Am the Walrus”.

ROY: You are feisty today, Woody. But I doubt she copied that from the Beatles. Why would someone put those nonsense syllables in a song?

WOODY: You’ll have to ask John Lennon that.

ROY: All right I will.

WOODY: I didn’t mean that you should actually …

ROY: In any case, the lesson from Jewel’s poem is clear. We should all be ourselves and do the best with what we have.

WOODY: So true. She has a special kind of wisdom.

ROY: And wisdom teeth.

WOODY: She makes me feel all tingly inside.

ROY: OK, but back to my point. I know that when I was a kid I used go with my friends to the store there in Asheville. And they had one of those coolers there, for sodas and such ….

WOODY: Caller, are you there?

CALLER: Woody, this is Mike Shushefski. I just wanted to call in to congratulate Coach Williams on his team’s special performance last spring. It is a special feeling. Believe me, I know. Three times.

WOODY: Coach, you mean you haven’t congratulated Coach Williams until now?

K: Well … um … sure, I sent him a congratulatory telegram. But I wanted to say it again… you know … in the media. It’s important for the people to see us being magnanimous.

ROY: Thanks Coach.

WOODY: Coach K, while we have you here on the line, let me ask you about this year. You’ve got a talented squad. How are you planning on coaching them, from an X and O perspective I mean.

K: Well, first of all, I don’t coach. I lead. You should know that Woody. And second, I don’t really believe in Xs and Os. I believe in leading players into competition and letting them compete.

ROY: So you’ll be funneling everything through J.J. again this year?

K: Yes.

WOODY: How many touches does he get a game, Coach, 50?

ROY: At least 60.

K: How the should I know. Listen, J.J. is a great competitor and a great poet.

WOODY: I’ve seen his poetry Coach. I wouldn’t call it great.

ROY: Or good.

WOODY: It’s certainly not the caliber of a Sandburg or a Jewel.

K: I didn’t call in to have you two bumpkins critique my players’ poetry. Now if there’s nothing else, I’ll …

WOODY: We’re sorry Coach. Just funnin’ with ya a bit.

ROY: Mike, perhaps you could tell the fans out there about how your military training has affected your coaching …

K: Leadership.

ROY: …. I mean, your leadership of basketball players, coaching-wise.

K: Leadership-wise, you mean?

ROY: Yes. Leadership-wise-speaking.

K: Well, basketball is war, basically. No one dies, but other than that they are the same thing. When I recruit a youngster, I ask myself, would I want this youngster in a foxhole with me if we were going into battle?

WOODY: Don’t you actually have to leave the foxhole to go into battle?

K: OK, technically, yes. But you get the picture. If the kid is that kind of warrior, I want him playing Dook basketball.

WOODY: So do you ever physically abuse your players like Bob Knight?

K: I resent that question.

WOODY: I mean, do you employ corporal punishment as a teaching tool?

K: As a leadership tool, you mean?

WOODY: Whatever.

K: No.

WOODY: Never?

K: Never.

WOODY: C’mon coach. You said yourself it’s war. You never went a little Neil Reed on anyone?

K: What do you want me to say Woody?

WOODY: I want the truth. I think we’re entitled to it.

K: You can't handle the truth! Woody, we live in a world that has gymnasium walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with thumbprint scanners. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Woody? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Neil Reed and you curse the Dook Blew Devils. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Reid’s choking, while tragic, probably won games. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins games...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me behind that thumbprint scanner. We use words like relationships, fist, heart...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very basketball success I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a basketball and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a @#%$ what you think you're entitled to!

(Long silence.)

WOODY: OK then, um, thanks for calling in Coach Shush …

ROY: Wow.

K: Did I say all that out loud?

WOODY: …shefski of the Dook Blew Devils. That’s about all the time …

ROY: Yes you did.

WOODY: … we have for today. Join us next week when …

K: Are we on a seven-second delay or anything?

WOODY: … our special guest will be the big guy, Eric Montross …

ROY: No we are not.

WOODY: … who will tell us about his new position as a color announcer on …

K: (bleep!)

WOODY: … the Tar Heel Sports Network. Good night everybody!

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, Preseason Edition

ROY WILLIAMS RADIO SHOW, Preseason Edition

WOODY: Welcome to another season of the Carolina Basketball Show featuring Coach Roy Williams. Roy, it’s gonna be a fun year.

ROY: Well, it’s gonna be an interesting year, I’ll tell you that. We have some young dadgum players and it’s gonna be quite a dadgum chore – pardon my French – to get those dadgum youngsters to play Carolina basketball. I hope the fans are patient with us because Ole Roy ain’t that good.

WOODY: You should copyright that phrase.

ROY: Which one, “dadgum youngsters”?

WOODY: No. “Ole Roy ain’t that good.”

ROY: Well, I don’t know anything about copyrights and that sort of thing. But I do know that Ole Roy Ain’t That Good.

WOODY: No seriously. You could put that on t-shirts and make a buck or two. You should copyright it.

ROY: I already have.

WOODY: Good. Before we go to the phones, Coach, I’d like you to address a piece of news from the offseason. Kansas had to self-report several minor NCAA violations that dated from your time there. Can you say a word about that?

ROY: I sure can Woody. Let me start by saying that nobody cares more about NCAA rules than Roy Williams. I sleep with a copy of the NCAA rulebook under my pillow. I love those rules more than anything. I’m proud to say that my teams have never had a major NCAA rules violation, and never will if I have anything to say about it. At the same time, NOBODY cares more about Kansas or Kansas basketball than Roy Williams. Heck, I probably care more about Kansas than I do my own wife. And I love Wanda to bits. So I don’t mind saying it killed me – LITERALLY killed me – to read the headlines from a few months ago. The papers made us look like common criminals, and that’s just not right. That’s not fair. We have nothing to hide. Roy Williams has nothing to hide. These were minor mistakes by the Kansas compliance office. I relied on other people who messed up and I take full responsibility for that. Believe me, Roy Williams has nothing to hide.

WOODY: So what exactly were the allegations that …

ROY: Let’s move on.

WOODY: But …

ROY: Woody, we just won the National Championship. Let’s move on.

WOODY: All right, point taken. Let’s go to the phones. Caller, you’re on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: Yes, Coach, this is Buck from Cary. Can you say a word or two about Tyler Hansborough?

ROY: Tyler has progressed really nicely for us so far. This young man works harder than many of the older youngsters. …

WOODY: Can you say that – “older youngsters”? Is that grammatically correct?

ROY: Don’t interrupt me Woody. … As I was saying … so, there’s been a story circulating around the crapnet that Tyler dunked on Jerry Stackhouse in a pickup game. And you know what? This one happens to be true. He scored the winning basket right in Jerry’s face, screamed “weight room!” then walked off the floor. How impressive is that? And he only suffered one broken finger and a slightly scratched cornea in the altercation that followed.

WOODY: Next caller, are you there?

CALLER: Actually, I have a question for Woody. Woody, will Beefmaster be sponsoring the show again this year?

WOODY: Yessiree. The good folks at Beefmaster are once again our sponsors this year.

CALLER: Good, because I have an idea for an ad slogan for them. “Fellas, slip your wife the beefmaster. She’ll …” CLICK.

WOODY: Damn fraternities. Next caller?

CALLER: Coach, I hear you’re very competitive about your golf game. Is that true?

ROY: Not really. I like to win. And I like to play fair. Just last week Coach Smith and I were playing for $200 a hole, and he tried to take a mulligan. That was against the rules, so I said, “Coach. No mulligans, remember?”

And he said, “Well, you keep sneezing on my backswing. That last time you even got some on me.”

So I said, “Hey wait a minute. That was accidental. I have hay fever.”

And he said -- I swear this is true, my hand to God -- he said, “Hay fever my posterior.”

Which is kind of shocking because he never uses off-color language. But he's kind of picky about sneezing; he almost never sneezes out loud because he doesn't like to draw attention to the size of his nose. So anyway he proceeds to take his mulligan. Now normally I’m very deferential to Coach Smith. But I looked down at my Championship Ring, and decided that I’m going to take a mulligan too. But after I hit my mulligan he got in his cart, and he got to my ball first, and picked it up and threw it in the woods. So I drove my cart right over his golf bag, and it was a pretty expensive one that Larry Brown had given him. Larry is always sucking up to Coach by giving him expensive gifts. Anyway, after that I realized I had made a mistake. So we both took a deep breath and decided to settle the argument less violently, with a game of thumbsies.

WOODY: Who won?

ROY: He did. He’s not that big a guy, but his thumbs are HUGE. Still, I’m no thumbsies slouch. I gave him a good run for his money. Everything I know about thumbsies I learned from Coach Smith.

WOODY: Quite a story. People often ask what Coach Smith is doing these days, so it’s nice to hear he’s staying active. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, Dook is going to be tough this year. Can we beat them?

ROY: I could give a s**t about Dook right now. I’ve got 12 guys back there in the dorm who wear Carolina across their chest, and who are studying their hearts out right now with their Playstations and such. And you’re asking me about Dook? I’m worried about our kids, not what those folks are doing down the road. Sure, they’ve got a lot of talent. Sure they are favored to win it all. Just like we were last year. Only time will tell if they will accomplish their goals. Life is funny. You never know what will happen. Perhaps Coach K will hurt his back or something.

WOODY: oooOOOOooo …

ROY: What?

WOODY: ooooOOOOooo …

ROY: Stop that.

WOODY: Make me.

ROY: What?

WOODY: What?

ROY: Stop copying me.

WOODY: I’m trying to start a fight with you so you’ll challenge me to thumbsies.

ROY: Believe me, you don't want a game of thumbsies with me. I will take you down. Isn’t there another caller?

WOODY: Right after this word from Beefmaster.

(Commercial break)

ROY: You know Woody. I grilled some beefmasters last night with Wanda.

WOODY: Is that some sort of code, or slang?

ROY: No, I really did. We put a little mustard on them, and Wanda made a nice cole slaw. It was yummy.

WOODY: Caller, you’re on the air with Roy Williams.

CALLER: Hi Coach. Last year, you shared with us your passion for the poetry of the lovely songstress, Jewel. …

WOODY: Yes!

CALLER: … And I was wondering if you have any other Jewel poems that are your current favorites.

WOODY: She rocks my world.

(Silence.)

WOODY: Did I say that out loud?

ROY: Yes you did. Caller, I’m a student of geography and the great American landscape, so one of my favorites is a poem of hers about her home state, entitled “Denali.” It goes like this.

I am Denali

The jutting chest of

Alaska’s pride and joy

I yearn for you to visit me

I am Denali

Climb me

Explore my ridges and valleys

Approach my Yukon

I await your conquest

CALLER: THAT’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.

WOODY: Oh my god.

ROY: What? Don’t you like it?

WOODY: Is that really about geography?

ROY: What? Of course. Why ….

WOODY: We better take another call. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, how did the Bahamas trip help the team?

ROY: Well, it was nice to get a head start on the season. And I think the players got a lot out of the trip. It wasn’t all basketball you know. I made them listen to Jimmy Buffet music on the flight down.

WOODY: Margaritaville? I love that song.

ROY: No, that song is about alcohol abuse. I disapprove of that song.

WOODY: Oh.

ROY: No, we listened to “Son of Son of Sailor.” And the guys seemed to like it. But I was a little disappointed in our competition down there. One of the teams didn’t even have proper uniforms. It’s tough to get yourself mentally prepared to play a team that is dressed like the Little Rascals.

WOODY: It certainly is. Time for one more call.

CALLER: Hello?

WOODY: Yes, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Yeah, this is James from Wilson. My boy Reyshawn is gonna be sick this year. I mean, SICK! He is gonna blow up all over the ACC. Coach, can you just preach to the folks one time about ReyRey?

(Silence.)

ROY: Um … could you repeat the question?

WOODY: He’s gone already.

ROY: Did you get the question?

WOODY: No I did not.

(Silence.)

WOODY: But my best guess is that the caller is concerned about Reyshawn Terry’s health and is seeking reassurance.

ROY: Oh. OK. Well, I can tell you that Reyshawn is healthy. He is not sick, as far as I know. … Now what was that question about “preaching”?

WOODY: Papa don’t preach.

ROY: What?

WOODY: The only boy who could ever reach me, was the son of preacher man.

ROY: Bobby Gentry.

WOODY: Right you are. Well, this show is going out with more a whimper than a bang. Join us next time for the Roy Williams Radio Show, here on the North Carolina Tar Heels Network. This is Woody Durham, for Roy Williams, saying, “Peace OUT!”

ROY: Are you OK.

WOODY: Sure.

ROY: Peace out?

WOODY: Sure.

ROY: Jeepers.

Roy Williams Radio Show

TRANSCRIPT EXCERPT – Roy Williams radio show, February 20, 2005.

Woody Durham & Roy Williams

WOODY: Caller are you there?

CALLER: Coach could you say a few words about what Jankie has meant to this team?

WOODY: The caller is referring to Jackie Manual.

ROY: I know that.

WOODY: I was just clarifying for our listeners.

ROY: OK. Since the day I got here Jackie has done everything we have asked of him, without complaint or exception. It may sound corny, but Jackie is the finest human being it has ever been my privilege to know. ... OK ... I knew this would happen ... I'm getting a emotional ... but I don't care. With Roy Williams what you see is what you get. I know that may sound corny. ... But anyway, Jackie -- or as you fans call him, Jankie -- has been simply our best defender, one of our best shot blockers, a great rebounder, a tireless worker, a motivator, a scientist, an inventor, a translator, a surgeon, and a friend. It may sound corny, but I love Jackie. Nobody loves Jackie more than me. Nobody. I will miss him terribly. I know that may sound corny.

WOODY: Well said coach. Next caller, are you there?

CALLER: Yes, this is Jackie Manual's mother. I think I love Jackie more than you do coach.

ROY: Well, now, it may sound corny but I just don't think that's true. Gosh darn it, I love Jackie as if he were my own son.

CALLER: But he is my own son.

ROY: Well it may sound corny but ...

CALLER: Will you please stop saying that.

ROY: ... sometimes when I'm talking to my son Scott I will accidentally call him "Jackie."

CALLER: Roy, my attorney says to tell you that I am faxing you a restraining order.

Pause.

CALLER: I know that may sound corny ...

ROY: Touche.

WOODY: Next caller. You’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, my cousin Cletus and I are from Asheville too. Woo-hoo! We wuz wondering what your favorite sports bar in Asheville is. We love Shooters on State Street, but some people like Players on Main Street because they have more screens. But Shooters has pool tables and sometimes the bartender will steal Carolina games off the satellite when he's not supposed to, which totally rocks. That's why we go there. But Cletus is telling me ... wait a minute ... Cletus is telling me ... to tell you that one time he went there and they wouldn't put the Carolina game on. So he said that they should because you are from Asheville. So the bartender says he doesn't know who you are. So we have to go around to everybody at the bar and get them to talk to the bartender to let him know ...[CLICK]

WOODY: OK, next caller. Caller are you there?

CALLER: Coach, who will start in Rashad's place?

ROY: It may sound corny but Melvin will.

CALLER: That doesn't sound corny to me.

ROY: Well it may.

CALLER: But it doesn't.

ROY: I could give a s*** corniness right now. I've got a player back in the dorm who is puking up his spagetti-o's and you're asking me about corn?

WOODY: Next caller, are you there?

CALLER: Coach, what did you think of the trash talking and rough play from Hodge and Evtimov.

ROY: I was proud of our kids. It's not easy to keep your cool when people try to provoke you like that. But our kids played like professionals ... OK ... I'm gonna cry again ... I know it sounds ...

CALLER and WOODY (in unison): CORNY!

ROY: ... yes, corny, but I am just so gosh darn proud of those kids back in that locker room. That Entemanns ... what his name again?

REPORTER: Evtimov.

ROY: Yes, Emitov. When he started shoving Marvin around I had two thoughts. First, what the heck kind of name is Epitov? Is that Russian or what? And second, what is this Russian doing hacking our guy like that? I was about to blow my lid until I saw the look on the kid's face when Jawad came up behind him. I don't know if you noticed, but Molotov actually peed his pants at that point. He should have been arrested for public urination.

CALLER: Coach, it's Evtimov. And his brother used to play for Carolina.

ROY: I could give a s*** about Russia right now. I've got 12 kids back there in that locker room who have just made me as proud as a pig on Easter Sunday. And I'm not about to get into world diplomacy with you guys here now. Go discuss that on crapnet for all I care.

CALLER: I just meant that Evtimov has a connection to Carolina.

ROY: That's right. He does. We pound his team with regularity. That's his connection.

WOODY: Next caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, it's been reported that you had threads locked and posters banned on Inside Carolina. Is that true?

ROY: Dadgummit, it may sound corny, but I could give a s*** about crapnet right now. I have 12 players back in that locker room who are crying tears of joy right now because they just made Sergei Epilogue wet his pants. I do not care about these crapnet people one single bit.

CALLER: You didn't really answer the question.

ROY: H*** yes I banned them!! And I'd do it again!!! I hope they burn hell!!!!

WOODY: Let’s hear from our good friends at Beefmaster Franks. Nothing satisfies like a beefmaster!

[AFTER COMMERCIAL]

WOODY: We’re back. Go ahead caller.

CALLER: Coach, this is John Tudor of the Raleigh News & Disturber. Could you say a little bit about Rashad's attitude?

ROY: Is that a question? Is that what passes for a question these days? Nobody loves the press more than Roy Williams, but that sure doesn't sound like a question to me. It sounds like you're just trying to create a little controversy, sell a few papers. We had a saying about that back in Asheville when I was a kid. I don't remember what it was, but we had one. And that saying applies here. Listen, nobody loves controversy more than Roy Williams. But dadgummit, the fact is that Rashad McCants has been the consummate team player this year. Look, I'm not complicated. I may be corny as all get out. But I know two things. First, Rashad is playing Carolina basketball this year. And second, my suit costs about four times as much as yours.

CALLER: Then can you tell us, what is the status of Damion Grant's knee?

ROY: It's fine, why do you ask?

CALLER: Because he's been in street clothes.

ROY: He has?

CALLER: Yes.

ROY: Listen. Nobody loves Daman more than Roy Williams. But I could give a s*** about what Daman Gaant wears right now. I've got 11 other players back there in that locker room who are not wearing street clothes. Not that they are walking around naked or anything. In fact, what the players wear is their own business. Now that I think about it, your question was inappropriate. You should write for crapnet.

CALLER: This is Chris from Treyburn.

WOODY: Go ahead Chris.

CALLER: Coach, do you really think that Carolina can overcome the inspired emotion of a K-coached team? I mean, you have no answer for the brilliance of his leadership.

ROY: OK, I can tell who this is, so let me answer a question with a question. What happened to the giant yellow suit you used to wear, Chris? Now you guys on the Dook bench over there look like the green room at auditions for Men In Black IV. But seriously, Coach K is a very successful coach, whose suits match his hair coloring gel. I will not be baited into an on-the-air p*ssing contest with the greatest chest-thumping practice shooter of all time.

WOODY: Next caller. Caller, are you there?

CALLER: Yeah this is Jim-Ed from Statesboro. Coach, I am right worried about somethin' and I am not sure if I can say it on the radio. But here goes. Did you see J.J. Redick dry-(bleep) that guy on the ground in the Tech game? I mean, what if he tries to do that to one of our guys? I'm afraid that if he tries to do that do someone like David Noel that David might actually kill him and get arrested and be unavailable for the tournament. What can be done to prevent this dry-(bleep)ing tactic?

WOODY: Good thing we've got a five second delay. That guy said "hump" which we had to bleep out.

ROY: Jim-Ed, we are gonna talk to the referees about that. It may sound corny, but we don't think that there is any place for dry-(bleep)ing in basketball. Honestly, I could give s*** about J.J. Redick right now. I've got a young man back in the dorm, Rashad McCants, who just coughed up a lung. Yet he wants to play, and we're gonna let him play. Because that's the kind of fighter he is. He wants to play on one lung. ... OK ... I'm getting misty again ... I know that sounds corny ... But when I think about the site of Rashad and his lung just laying there on the floor it makes me so proud ... next caller ... I can't go on.

WOODY: Why don't we take another commercial break coach, while you regain your beefmaster ... I mean, composure.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL]

WOODY: OK, we’re back. Caller, you’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, why do you call it crapnet?

ROY: Good question. Nobody loves the internet more than Roy Williams. It may sound corny, but I booked my vacation on expedia.com. So it's not that I hate the internet. But I do hate the basketball message boards with their anonymous insiders and experts who think they know something about our team, our players, and me. I could give a s*** about those people. So that's why I call it crapnet.

CALLER: I meant, why 'crapnet' instead of some other bad name?

ROY: Well I considered 'crudnet' or 'poo-poo-net'. But those words seemed not as classy as 'crapnet'. I also considered 'dadgum-net,' 'frickin-net,' 'gol-dern-net,' and 'big-dumb-stupid-net.' But 'crapnet' had a ring to it.

CALLER: Thanks Coach. By the way, what's your handle on IC?

ROY: kik84

WOODY: Next caller.

CALLER: This is Packfan from Fuqua-Varina

ROY: Uh-oh

WOODY: What do you want Packfan?

CALLER: I thought it was awesome when Jules untied Marvin Williams' shoe. I laughed so hard milk came out my nose, dude.

WOODY: Did you get any on the cow?

ROY: Let me say a word about that Woody. I didn't see that when it happened, but I heard about it. That is not a harmless prank. It may sound corny, but someone could have gotten hurt. I hope Herb Sendek speaks to that young man Hodge ...

CALLER: Hodge is 28.

ROY: ... about that because there is no place for those kinds of monkeyshines in basketball. Anyway, I could give a s*** about Julius Hodge right now.

WOODY: The FCC called and said if you say that one more time, the Tarheel Sports Network will go off the air. In which case I will personally owe the good people at Beefmaster over $400,000.

ROY: Sorry Woody. I'll try to watch myself, but nobody cares more about this team or this university or beefmaster franks than Roy Williams. I was practically raised on beefmasters. So don't talk to Roy Williams about beefmaster franks.

WOODY: Next call. You’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, do any of our players write poetry like J.J. Redick?

ROY: Not that I know of, though Jackie sometimes will speak only in iambic pentameter for a day, just as a sort of mental exercise.

CALLER: Nobody else?

ROY: No. We all enjoy the poems of the lovely songstress Jewel, however.

WOODY: She's hot.

Silence.

WOODY: Did I say that out loud?

ROY: Her poetry touches a place deep inside us all. A place that is not so much in the heart as the gut.

WOODY: Or slightly south of there.

Silence.

WOODY: Did I say that out loud?

ROY: Just the other day we asked Melvin to recite a Jewel poem, right before the Connecticut game. It went,

I question myself
Can I do it?
Am I strong enough?
Are my teeth straight enough?
Will people think I've had plastic surgery
Even if I don't comb my hair?
But it doesn't matter
Because I am true to me
You see
the bee
must sting you
before it dies

CALLER: What does that mean?

ROY: It means that we must all look inside ourselves for the leader within. I found the poem quite touching. It may sound corny, but I cried.

CALLER: Did anyone else cry?

ROY: Just me and Jerod Haase.

CALLER: Who's that?

WOODY: Time for a word from our good friends at Beefmaster Franks.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL]

ROY: Woody, let me say something. That last caller really gripes my chaps. Just because an assistant coach didn't play at Carolina doesn't mean we shouldn't support him.

WOODY: Absolutely right coach. And the fans out there should know that Jerod is also the author of a book about his playing days, called "Rug Burns," I believe.

ROY: "Floor Burns," I think it is.

WOODY: Right. "Floor Burns." Now that's not one of those tell-all sports books, is it?

ROY: I'm not sure. I haven't read it. But I'll tell you this. Jerod Haase works hard for Carolina, and sets a great example for these young players. Jerod Haase loves Kansas basketball.

WOODY: You mean "Carolina" basketball.

ROY: What did I say?

WOODY: You said "Kansas" basketball.

ROY: No I didn't.

WOODY: Yes, I think you did.

ROY: Well, whatever I said, it just chaps my cookies to think that Carolina fans don't appreciate our assistant coaches. You know, when I was a half-time assistant, I used to make a little extra money by selling lemonade out in front of Woolen Gym on weekends. Jerod Haase is the kind of scrappy gym rat who would sell lemonade, I promise you that.

WOODY: I'm glad you said that Coach. Our fans need to support our assistant coaches. Not just Jerod Haase, but Fred Holiday and Stan Robinson and D.B. McGrath. Show the assistants some love, people!

ROY: Amen to that.

WOODY: Next caller. You’re on the air.

CALLER: Coach, this is Bobby Frasor and Tyler Hansborough. We've got you on speaker phone here. We just wanted to call in to say how much we can't wait to be Heels.

ROY: Bobby, Tyler, we can't wait for you to be Heels either.

WOODY: Bobby and Tyler, do you have any stories about Coach Williams' recruitment of you?

FRASOR: Well, I just remember that when he came to my house, his eyes were wild, like hyena. And this blood vessel on his head seemed to sort of pulsate. And he was really sweating hard ...

WOODY: No, I mean Coach Roy Williams.

FRASOR: Oh. Oh yeah, he was great. We had a wonderful visit. My folks just loved him. I remember when I called him to tell him I was coming to Carolina, he was so excited that he dropped the phone and did a little dance.

HANSBOROUGH: Hey! He did the same thing when I called him! Coach, you told me that was the first time you had done that.

ROY: Which one of you committed to us first?

HANSBOROUGH: Me.

ROY: Well then it was the first time I did it.

WOODY: Good luck with your senior seasons fellas. Next caller!

CALLER: Coach, as a mentor and advisor to young African Americans, you must have an understanding of black culture. Who are your favorite hip hop artists?

WOODY: Ooooo.

ROY: Well. Hmmm.

CALLER: You do know what hip hop is, right?

ROY: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Of course. I'm down with that. Let me see ... well ... I like Usher ...

WOODY: Ooooo.

ROY: ... and, um ... Lil Kim ... and that guy who did Funky Cold Medina. I love that song. Sometimes Wanda and I will crank that up on our stereo and dance around the living room to it.

CALLER: Anybody else?

WOODY: Ice-T. He's on Law and Order.

ROY: Sure. Yeah, him. ... and ... um ... help me out here Woody.

WOODY: Freezy-T. And Icey-G. And Bizzy-B, Itchy-Knee, Ima Ho.

ROY: Yeah. They're good.

WOODY: I'm playin' you, G.

ROY: What?

WOODY: I made those up.

ROY: Well, good one Woody. You got me. ... To tell the truth, I'm more into Faith Hill.

WOODY: I hear dat.

ROY: What is wrong with you today?

WOODY: I don't know. I honestly don't know.